"Are You Smarter Than An Eight Year Old?"

c. 2007 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(3-07)

Note to Readers: The following is a one-act play. With TV producers struggling to develop new ideas, brainstorming is very important. Any notion may be considered. The current season of programming offers some truly inspired attempts to create authentic family entertainment. Depicted here is one such example…

SETTING: A television studio in New York City.
DESCRIPTION: A new game show debut is taking place, on network television. The contestants are a grade school child, and a college professor.
ANNOUNCER: (Over a fanfare of jubilant tones) "Hello and welcome to CROC TV’s newest game show - ‘ARE YOU SMARTER THAN AN EIGHT YEAR OLD?’ I’m Todd Toddy. Today, our contestants are from Geauga County, Ohio. Friends, please introduce yourselves!"
CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE: "My name is Clifton Swann. I graduated with honors from Ohio State University. I have an I. Q. of 180. Currently, I teach archaeology, drama, math, philosophy, and nuclear physics. My hobby is collecting artifacts from ancient Mayan temples."
CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO: "My name is Soccer Fairy. Our house has three cats and a dog. And I like pickles."
HOST: "And I’m Skip Ricochet. Welcome to our show!"
AUDIENCE: Responds with applause and cheering.
TODD TODDY: "Today’s winner will receive the new ‘Charmaster 3000’ outdoor grill. Its twin propane tanks mean they can cook from sunrise to sunset with no interruptions! The ‘3000’ also features an umbrella, sound system, iced tea reservoir, self-contained party lights, a Tasti-Fresh barbecue sauce applicator, and an onboard fire extinguisher! It’s the next generation in grilling excellence!"
AUDIENCE: ‘Oooohs’ and ‘Ahhhhs’ echo repeatedly, followed by more applause.
SKIP RICOCHET: "Our questions are on a range of subjects. Each has been selected by our panel of experts. We begin with science. On what planet was possible evidence of water recently discovered?"
SOCCER FAIRY: "Uhhh…"
CLIFTON SWANN: "Aha! Too easy! That would be our neighbor in the solar system, Mars!"
SKIP: "Well done! Ten points for you! Our next question is about music. What famous composer had the middle name Amadeus?"
FAIRY: "Give me a hint. Was his daughter Hannah Montana?"
CLIFTON: "Again, too easy! That would be… Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!"
SKIP: "Yesssss! You’re right again! Ten more points!"
AUDIENCE: Responds with polite clapping.
SKIP: "Next question! This is about art. Who painted ‘The Scream’ in 1893?"
FAIRY: "You mean they painted somebody’s mouth??"
CLIFTON: "This is tooooooo easy! It was Norwegian artist Edvard Munch!"
SKIP: "Wonderful, Cliff! You’ve got a total of thirty points!"
AUDIENCE: Whispered ‘boos’ sound through muffled chatter.
From the crowd, a young mother appears. She is dressed in a cheerful, pink sweatsuit. Her auburn hair is tied back with a purple Disney scarf.
LIZ ICE: "This isn’t fair! It doesn’t prove anything!"
SKIP: "Hey, get off the stage, lady! You aren’t part of the show!"
FAIRY: "Hi Mommy!"
CLIFTON: (Trembling) "D-don’t let her get near me!"
TODD: "Oh my! It looks like we’ve got a new… contestant??"
LIZ: (Waving a handful of notebook paper) "Why don’t you use some different questions? Try making it a fair game instead of a slam dunk for Mr. Spawn?"
CLIFTON: "That’s SWANN not Spawn, you crazy woman!"
SKIP: (Reluctantly accepts the papers) "Uhmm, okay. Did you know these are written in crayon?"
LIZ: (Narrowing her eyes) "Actually, that was done with a red Crayola marker. Now just read them!"
SKIP: (Obediently) "Okay! From the world of… cartoons. What is Squidward Tentacles’ favorite snack?"
CLIFTON: "What did you say?"
TODD: "He’s a character on Spongebob Squarepants!"
SKIP: "Here’s a hint. We’re looking for something other than a Krabby Patty!"
CLIFTON: "If he’s smart, it’d be something like a lobster tail in wine sauce, with parmesan linguine, or…"
FAIRY: "Squidward likes Canned Bread! Yuck!!"
SKIP: "Yes! You now have ten points!"
AUDIENCE: Erupts in wild applause.
SKIP: (Shuffling the notebook paper) "Next question. About cartoons, again. What is the name of Jimmy Neutron’s dog?"
CLIFTON: "Rover? Spot? Pug??"
FAIRY: "It’s Goddard, silly!"
SKIP: "Right again! You now have twenty points!"
CLIFTON: (Frustrated) "Let’s get back to the real game! No more cartoons! This is stupid!"
LIZ: "Watch your tongue, Egghead!"
SKIP: "Our third question is about… food."
CLIFTON: "That’s better! Let’s have it!"
SKIP: "What is the universally beloved restaurant item that every eatery must have on their menu to please a family?"
CLIFTON: (Befuddled) "What? Uhmm, spaghetti with meatballs? A garden salad? Or Steak??"
FAIRY: (Cheering) "CHICKEN FINGERS!!"
AUDIENCE: Explodes into chanting and applause. "FAIRY! FAIRY! FAIRY!"
SKIP: (Gesturing with a raised thumb) "Our score is tied at thirty! Looks like we need one more question!"
CLIFTON: (With irritation) "I want an adult subject! This is insane!"
TODD: (Whispering) "We’ve got to be even handed, Mr. Ricochet. America is watching!"
LIZ: "I won’t ask anything more than that… just make it fair."
SKIP: (Returns to his original index cards) "For the grand prize, here is your last question. From the world of music - what popular song begins with laughter and a conductor’s invitation to board his vehicle?"
CLIFTON: (Surprised) "Wait a minute… is that in music from ‘The Polar Express?’ Or is it in a song by Brownsville Station? No… wait… ‘City of New Orleans’ by Arlo Guthrie!"
FAIRY: (With a broad smile) "Ha ha, you got it wrong! The answer is ‘Crazy Train’ by Ozzy Osbourne!!"
SKIP: "You are CORRECT!"
AUDIENCE: Reacts with a thunderous ovation.
LIZ: (Puzzled, but happy) "How did you know that?"
FAIRY: "Roddy has the CD in his truck. We listen to it when he takes me to school!"
CLIFTON: (Shaking his head) "Arrrrrrrgh!"
SKIP: "Miss Soccer Fairy, you are our GRAND PRIZE WINNER!"
TODD: "Each of our contestants will also receive a solar-powered lawn statue from ‘YardCool’ Incorporated. These dandy, hi-tech ornaments beautify your lawn while providing nighttime illumination! And, they come in a variety of popular designs. Get COOL today! YardCool!"
FAIRY: "Mommy, can we stop at Dairy Queen on the way home?"
LIZ: (With a smile) "Yes, that sounds like fun!"
FAIRY: "I’ll race you to the car! Let’s goooooooooo!"
SKIP: "From New York City, this is Skip Ricochet saying remember friends, feed your fish regularly! Hunger neglect is the leading cause of mortality for aquatic pets! So long until next time!"
AUDIENCE: Claps in time to the theme music. Confetti falls from the ceiling while everyone dances. The show is over!

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF, CHARDON, OHIO