“John Candycorn Must Die”

c. 2007 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(1-07)




Note to readers: ‘Coast to Coast AM’ provides a wealth of controversial, yet entertaining radio fare. Guests are open about discussing conspiracy theories involving Yale University’s ‘Skull and Bones’ fraternity, or the ‘Bohemian Grove’ encampment in California. The danger with such programming is its ability to influence subconscious thought. I discovered this recently, after falling asleep during a ‘C to C’ broadcast…

Oblivion came somewhere after midnight. Our household audio receiver crackled with static and mystery as I surrendered to fatigue. Fog was thick in my brain! I could not muster enough strength to switch off the device. It was late… so late… but suddenly, I was awake again. Or was I? The television blared an episode of Fox Network’s new ’24 V2: Art Bell Theater.’ Video images flashed from the screen without mercy. Confusion made me numb. Then, a voice began to speak:

ART BELL: “John Candycorn… Must Die!”

I felt groggy. What did he say?

ART BELL: (Continuing his opening statement.) “The following takes place from 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM on a Wednesday in Cleveland, Ohio.”

Before my eyes would focus, the story began:

SETTING: The Mariott Hotel. A secret meeting of Democratic officials has been called by Howard Dean. Attendees are those responsible for steering the party toward a progressive agenda that will guarantee success in 2008.

HOWARD DEAN: “Good evening, friends. As Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, I am responsible for making the party competitive in every race, in every district, in every state and territory, while integrating national and state party operations and standing up for our core values. That is why I have called you here.”

TED KENNEDY: (Enjoying a mixed drink) “As long as you don’t do the ‘Dean Scream’ we’ll be satisfied.”

JIMMY CARTER: “Ted, get serious, will you? Howie is trying to chair this meeting!”

BILL CLINTON: “Hey, he’s right Teddy. Easy on the scotch! This gave us an excuse to get away from the cameras for awhile. I’m glad to be here!”

AL GORE: “You’re just happy to get a night away from Hillary!”

CLINTON: “You’re a bitter man, Al. Let go of it.”

WALTER MONDALE: “Everybody, calm down! We are here to talk turkey, not peck at each other!”

DEAN: “Thanks, Walter.” (He bangs a gavel for emphasis.) “This meeting will come to order!” (The room falls silent. At last, the chairman has everyone’s attention.) “I’m sure that many of you are wondering why we are here, on Lake Erie. Here in Cleveland instead of New York, or Chicago, or Los Angeles…”

KENNEDY: “Or Boston.”

DEAN: “The explanation is simple. We needed a safe place, away from the media. A haven from national attention. Somewhere that no one would expect to find powerful leaders in executive session. And in the frosty climate of Ohio, we found it. This place… is where our future will be reborn.”

AL GORE: “Hey, I’m getting the nomination again? This time, I swear it’ll work out!”

CLINTON: “Let go of it, man!”

CARTER: “Both of you, shut up!”

DEAN: “The last mayor here asked people to adopt trash cans. And she wasn’t immediately run out of office. I’d say we are safe from thoughtful scrutiny.”

CARTER: “Never mind that. Get to the point, Howie. Why are we here?”

DEAN: “We lost the presidential race in 2000, in spite of Bill’s popularity as a two-term leader of the free world. That election shouldn’t have been close! Then we lose again in 2004, when Bush sounded dubious in the debates, and looked even worse with his handling of Iraq. A third loss would cripple us for generations to come. We’ve got to win by any means necessary!”

CLINTON: “Make it legal, and I’ll gladly run for a third term. Heck, I’ve even kicked the McDonald’s habit, so I feel better than ever!”

DEAN: “Bill, I’m trying to be serious. Go back to the Big Macs.”

GORE: “Yeah! If anyone is gonna run again, it’ll be me!”

DEAN: (Clearing his throat.) “Gentlemen, please! Ask yourselves – what is the greatest threat to Democratic victory in 2008?”

MONDALE: “John McCain?”

KENNEDY: “Rush Limbaugh? I can’t stand that cigar-chomping rascal!”

CARTER: “Rudy Giuliani?”

GORE: “Condi Rice?”

DEAN: “No. No! You’re missing the obvious.” (His voice fell to a whisper.) “The albatross around our neck is John… John Candycorn. He is the one who could spoil our victory!”

MONDALE: “Who?? John Dandypants?”

CARTER: “Spongebob Dandypants? My grandchildren watch that cartoon. You’re out of order, Howie!”

DEAN: “Nooooo!” (He whispers again.) “I’m talking in code. You can’t be too careful! The biggest obstacle we face is one of our own… John Kerry!”

GORE: “Kerry?”

KENNEDY: “You are mistaken! I love John like a brother.”

DEAN: “As do I, Ted. But, remember this quote from the 2004 campaign? ‘I voted for it before I voted against it.’ Who said that??”

CLINTON: “Doggone it, he sure never had my way with words.”

DEAN: “And who said this? ‘Education -- if you make the most of it and you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq.’ Does that sound familiar?”

CARTER: “We barely won control of the Senate. John should have kept his mouth shut during the election season.”

DEAN: “Now, we get another blast of Kerry-speak. Comments made on foreign soil! ‘Americans have an unfortunate habit of seeing the world and other people exclusively through an American lens - and judging their aspirations through that lens. So we have a crisis of confidence in the Middle East — in the world, really. I've never seen our country as isolated, as much as a sort of international pariah for a number of reasons as it is today.’ How’s that for a party leader?”

MONDALE: (Bowing his head.) “That sounds like John, all right.”

DEAN: “The comments were story number one on Fox News, all day long! Matt Drudge featured it prominently. I’ll bet Karl Rove had it on a tape loop in Washington.”

CLINTON: “I’ve tried to coach Hillary on remarks like that. You don’t get anywhere giving the media bad sound bites! It’s better to use a golden shovel and sling some bull!”

GORE: “Hey, you mean no comments like, uhh, ‘I did not have sex with that woman’ or maybe…”

CARTER: “Hush up, both of you boys!”

DEAN: “Each of you has a folder on your placemat. Please open it now.”

EVERYONE: (Looking at individual copies of a document marked ‘JCMD Plan.’) “Wow. Wowwwwwwwwwwww!”

MONDALE: (Completely flabbergasted.) “Are you serious?”

CARTER: “What does JCMD stand for?”

DEAN: (In a whispering tone.) “John Candycorn Must Die. That is the operation title.”

GORE: “You want… to kill him? Really?”

DEAN: “We are positioned beautifully for 2008. Hillary is in the race, and she’s our number one fundraiser. Barack Obama has more charisma than any politician since JFK. All the conditions favor us… but one. John Kerry. He just won’t quit talking!”

CLINTON: “What about my buddy Al, here? He’s outspoken too.”

GORE: “You aren’t going to kill me off, Slick Willie!”

CARTER: “No offense Al, but only Michael Moore takes you seriously. And he still thinks Bush caused the hurricanes. You’re no threat to our party.”

GORE: “What about Al Franken?”

CARTER: “Okay, Moore AND Al Franken. Big deal!”

DEAN: “Sorry Al. But he’s right. Actually, you help us look progressive without accomplishing anything. It works out fine!”

GORE: “Uhmm, thanks… I guess. But Joe Biden is just as bad with the foot-in-mouth comments. And he’s respected. What about him??”

DEAN: “Our research shows that Kerry opens the door for that kind of behavior. His sacrifice can better our position! Everything else will follow.”

MONDALE: “So, how do you propose to get away with this?”

DEAN: “We will require strict secrecy. An accident must occur. In Russia, it happens all the time…”

KENNEDY: “Have YOU been hitting the sauce, Howie? This is crazy!”

DEAN: “Repeat this pledge after me, gentlemen. ‘John Candycorn Must Die.’ There is no other way. If we can’t get the White House now, it will never happen! Are you with me?”

CARTER: “This isn’t moral…I can’t approve it…”

DEAN: “John would be proud to offer his life for the party!”

CLINTON: “Dang it, I like playin’ golf with John…I beat him every time.”

DEAN: “Are you with me??”

KENNEDY: “I need another drink!”

DEAN: “No guts, no glory, gentlemen. ARE YOU WITH ME???”

EVERYONE: (With nervous glee.) “Okayyyyy! Yeahhhhhhhhh!”

ART BELL: “Tune in next week when the DNC Chairman arranges for John Kerry to go on a goodwill hunting trip - with Dick Cheney.”

I was baffled. But the show was over, at last! I woke up to realize it had been nothing more than an oddball dream… or was it?

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF, CHARDON, OHIO