'MORE GAS"

c. 2007 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(3-07)



Note to Readers: Last week, I introduced you to ‘G A S – Living With Guitar Acquisition Syndrome.’ In this installment, my virtual adventure continues with help from the book’s author, Jay Wright.

Late sessions on eBay can produce a wealth of affordable treasures. But they also test personal endurance and concentration. Tired eyes often struggle to read item descriptions in the wee hours. Cloudy thinking frequently produces reckless choices. One may suddenly see a battered relic as being an artifact worthy of collector’s lust.
A recent night yielded such developments. I was on the computer long after everyone else in our household had slipped into Dreamland. One by one, I studied entries after a search for ‘Gibson Les Paul.’ My pupils burned from overuse. But I couldn’t go to sleep. Carelessly, I tapped away at the keyboard. A natural-finish model caught my eye with its elegant wood grain, and gold hardware. Suddenly, my mouth was wet. I recognized the guitar as one typically priced at $1,200.00 brand new. I wanted that axe!
Struggling to focus on the page, I typed in a bid… of $25,000.00. Then, my face went red. I had to read the numbers again. WHAT WAS THAT???????????
I groaned aloud. Thankfully, the outburst did not awaken my wife. Now, my thoughts were scrambled. I’d intended to offer $250.00 on the instrument. Twenty-five thousand seemed insane, even in my exhausted condition. But what could I do to make it right? The thought of being excommunicated from eBay was frightening. Yet I couldn’t cover the cost if bidding continued to escalate beyond my desired amount. How could I handle the withdrawal symptoms? My wife would be certain to leave if I spent our reserves so recklessly. I needed an adult beverage. Immediately!
Beer at tasted unusually refreshing at three o’clock in the morning. It helped calm my apprehension with a gentle massage of overtaxed brain cells. I reckoned that deep therapy was in order, and continued treatment until my fear of discovery subsided. Slumber came, mercifully. And I joined the dream continuum…

* * *

I was walking through a vast courtroom, alone.
A judge sat waiting. His bench had been fashioned of carved ivory, and gold. He had a visage creased with deep character lines, developed over many years of pondering fates. He wore a dark robe and thick spectacles. Under a raised eyebrow, he observed my advance.
"Mr. Ice," he intoned dramatically. "How do you plead?"
"Plllead?" I said, fumbling the word. "Plead to what?"
He did not appreciate my ignorance. "Defendant! This is a court of law!"
I noted with surprise that we were surrounded by a circle of vintage guitars. Each plectrum seemed strangely familiar…
He continued in a crescendo of emotion. "How do you plead to abandoning your family for these gaudy trappings of Rock ‘n’ Roll??"
I flinched with embarrassment. The tuneful axes on display were mine!
"Your Honor," I protested. "Nothing I did could be called abandonment!"
He gestured toward my wife, and daughters. "What say you, good lady?"
Liz sniffled through tears. "Twenty-five thousand on a Les Paul. And it wasn’t even a valuable ‘Gold Top’ or a three-pickup custom!"
I felt a brick settle in my stomach.
The judge took off his glasses in reflection. "So is there any defense for your actions, Mr. Ice?"
My lips would barely move. "Buhhhhhh…"
Before I could manage an intelligible word, another voice joined the proceedings. "Your Honor," he said. "I’d like to speak on behalf of this man!"
The judge reacted with irritation. "And who are you?"
"Jay Wright," the newcomer said with a grin. "Author and expert." He was a cheerful figure, seasoned by years of writing and music. "I am a witness on Guitar Acquisition Syndrome."
I felt my tummy brick begin to fade!
Jay spoke with undeniable credibility. "Rod is a candidate for further study and research, because his condition is definitely in the more advanced stages. The diagnostic term, ‘G A S’ was coined back in the mid-nineties by a member of the group, Steeley Dan. It has since been jokingly used in a few guitar magazine articles, on guitar enthusiast websites, and in music stores; but my book about the malady is a first attempt to research and document this increasingly common human disorder. I fully expect more research, study, and books on the subject. It will be people like Rod and me that will be the guinea pigs for the most advanced studies, as we seem to represent the more extreme carriers of the guitar envy gene (GEG). We tend to experience abnormally strong physiological and psychological reactions to guitar deprivation. Yes, we are BOTH candidates for further study."
The judge frowned. "You also have… G A S?"
Jay nodded. "Of course! I consider Rod's presence here to be his ‘coming out’ announcement. By declaring his illness publicly like this, he will no longer feel the guilt of late night surfing of online music stores and eBay, tearing pages from guitar magazines for future reference, corresponding with a universal support group of other afflicted souls in cyberspace, or of fondling half the guitars that get within his reach. It's such a freeing experience. I salute him for his courage and rejoice in the comfort he will now feel. People like us don't want to be cured, just understood. "
I bowed my head, in awe!
A gavel pounded the ivory bench. "This is my decision. The defendant is sentenced to one hundred hours of public service. He will also endure the next twelve months without anything better than a ‘First Act’ guitar from Wal-Mart to play!"
I choked. "Please! Noooooooooooo!!!"
The judge offered no sympathy. "Bailiff, take him away!"

* * *

Morning brought fresh coffee, and a clear head. I learned how to retract an incorrect bid after only a few minutes of reading eBay help pages. The seller was understanding and cooperative. My hands stopped shaking after three cups of java.
With our household e-mail was a real message from Jay Wright. I had shared my column about his book, after finding a contact address on the ‘Jaystrings.com’ site. His response was a pleasure to receive:
"Thank you. That is SO enjoyable to read. And I thank you in advance for the business it just might stimulate. As you might have noted, I buy starter guitars with the royalties - guitars for folks who truly deserve one but cannot afford one. I lived like that for the first 19 years of my life. Now, in retirement, I must give back. I have been so blessed."
The day ended by losing out on a ‘Penncrest’ guitar, probably made by Kay in the early 1960’s. It was an item sold at J. C. Penny stores during that period. I had placed a bid of $45.00, but missed the auction end. My dream of legal peril provided a sobering experience. I would not bid on eBay again…
UNTIL TOMORROW!

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF NEWSPAPER, CHARDON, OHIO