"POOCHES ON PATROL"

c. 2007 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(2-07)



Note to Readers: Liz, Soccer Fairy, and I visited the Geauga County Sheriff’s Department recently. We were given an extensive tour by Sheriff Dan McClelland, and his tiny K-9 officer, Midge. They were gracious hosts who impressed us with an outstanding level of experience and dedication. The task of protecting our citizens is difficult, but important work. One can be sure that it is being accomplished by a group of knowledgeable, compassionate professionals. We are lucky to have them on duty.

For this writer, there was an added benefit of meeting with the Sheriff – encouragement to do extra wordsmithing based on our encounter. The following play came as a result of that creative stimulation. Here is a trip of fantasy based on our friendly meeting:

POOCHES ON PATROL / A four part adventure in Northeastern Ohio

ACT ONE

SETTING: The Sheriff’s Department, on Merritt Road. A local writer and his family are finishing their visit with the county’s chief constable. Unbeknownst to them, both puppy participants are also conversing.

QUIGLEY: "Yip yip! This is a cool place, Midge. Thanks for showing us around."
MIDGE: (Playfully) "Hey, it was great to meet you! I don’t see too many dogs on my level. The German Shepherds here at work are huuuuuuge!"
QUIGLEY: "I know what you mean. Momma Liz takes me over to see her parents on the weekends. They have a Burmese/Bloodhound puppy. Yarf! He’s like a moose!"
MIDGE: "You probably look like a pizza roll to him… be careful!"
QUIGLEY: "I tried to ‘go commando’ on him the first time, just to show that I’ve got no fear."
MIDGE: "Really? How did that work out??"
QUIGLEY: "I had fear, after all. Rowf!"
MIDGE: (Giggling) "Oh, what a surprise!!"
QUIGLEY: "He opened his mouth, and that was it. Barrrk! His breath smelled like crushed pig ears. And those hound-teeth looked like a row of elephant tusks. I figured the next snack was gonna be… me!"
MIDGE: "Sounds scary."
QUIGLEY: "Momma Liz said he just wanted to play. But I stayed on the couch after that!"
MIDGE: (Laughing) "You’re goofy. But I like you, Quigley."
QUIGLEY: (With a smile) "Really? You mean that?"
MIDGE: (Speaking with shyness) "Yes, Quig. You’re different. A good kind of different."
QUIGLEY: (Blushing) "It rubbed off from my family."
MIDGE: "I want to be friends. Can we do that, Quig?"
QUIGLEY: (Said with a gulp) "Uhhh, sure! I like having cute friends. Rowrf! So… have you ever seen a full moon over the Chardon Square?"
MIDGE: "Well, no…I’ve seen the moon. Everybody has, right? So what’s the difference with a view up there, silly dog?"
QUIGLEY: "It’s like magic."
MIDGE: "Magic? Yip yip yip. How?"
QUIGLEY: "If you really want to be friends, meet me there Saturday night. You’ll see!"
MIDGE: (With hesitation) "Oh Quig, I couldn’t! Not without permission…"
QUIGLEY: "Meet me by the gazebo. You’ll see!"
Their visit ends quietly. With a friendly wave, the Sheriff bids everyone farewell.
ACT TWO
SETTING: The city square in Chardon. Two canine friends lay in the moonlight, sharing conversation and wonder.
MIDGE: "You were right, Quiggy. This is sooooo peaceful!"
QUIGLEY: "My keepers used to come here, when they first met. The view almost put me to sleep, many times."
MIDGE: "It’s like a dreamscape painted in the sky."
QUIGLEY: (Digging for treasure behind the foliage) "Hey look what I brought. A rawhide chew. Wanna share?"
MIDGE: "A treat? Why, yes! I’d love to! Rowr!"
Both animals gnaw together, gleefully. But a strange sight interrupts their feast. Tanker trucks are circling the square, ominously. With a vacuum-hose apparatus, laborers from each vehicle begin to rob trees of their maple sap. Whispering voices fill the air. Their work is frantic, but disciplined.
MIDGE: "What are those men doing?"
QUIGLEY: "They’re stealing the sap! All of it!"
A foreman chides his men to hurry. Only one skinny worker has trouble accepting the task at hand.
CREWMASTER: "Come on, you goldbrickers! We’ve got to drain these trees and hit the road! And don’t spill a drop of sap or I’ll kick your lazy butts!"
BEANPOLE: "Boss, why are we sucking the life out of… trees?"
CREWMASTER: (Strikes the man across his face) "We’re cornering the market on maple syrup, you dummy! There’ll be no festival this year without us! The mayor will pay a huge ransom for this stuff! I’d like to retire with a big wad of cash. How about you, Junior?"
BEANPOLE: (Rubbing his mouth) "S-sure, I like money."
CREWMASTER: "Then shut your trap and get moving!"
Both dogs ‘play dead.’ Neither can believe what they are witnessing.
MIDGE: (Whispering) "We’ve got to tell the Sheriff. He can stop this gang!"
QUIGLEY: "But how? We can’t get out of here without being seen."
MIDGE: "We need a decoy, and a runner."
QUIGLEY: "A who? And a what??"
MIDGE: "I’ve got plenty of training, Quig. Let me handle the police work. Your job is to high-tail it out of here. On three, ready?"
QUIGLEY: "Hey wait a minute. You’re a girl. I’m not leaving you here…"
MIDGE: "Grrrrrrr! Don’t argue, Quiggy! Quit trying to be macho. On three, okay? ONE… TWO… THREE!!"
QUIGLEY: "No darn you! Noooooo!"
The diminutive K-9 goes airborne with a powerful flip of her tail. She draws attention away from the gazebo, to shield her friend’s escape.
MIDGE: "Run Quig! Runnnn!!"
ACT THREE
SETTING: The Ice Household in Thompson. A wayward pet is returning home.
QUIGLEY: "Yarf! Yarf! Yarf!"
LIZ: (Spoken sternly) "Quigley Padderson! It is about time you came home!"
ROD: "Where have you been, little buddy?"
QUIGLEY: "Yap yap yap yap!!"
LIZ: "Oh my! He’s awfully upset about something!"
ROD: "Too bad I’m not fluent in dogspeak. I wonder what he wants?"
LIZ: (Calling their daughter) "Soccer Fairy, come quick! We need your help!"
QUIGLEY: "Arf arf arf!"
FAIRY: (Running into the kitchen, blonde curls streaming everywhere) "Hi boy! What’s the matter? You can talk to me!"
QUIGLEY: "Yarf! I’m so glad you understand my language. We’ve got to rescue Midge! There are bad men working on the square in Chardon. They want to ruin our maple syrup season, and the festival, too!"
FAIRY: (Looking intent) "Guys, we’ve got to call the Sheriff, right now."
ROD: "Call the Sheriff? Why? Because we’ve got a barking dog?"
LIZ: (Puzzled) "Little miss, I need you to explain yourself!"
FAIRY: (Out of breath) "Mom, you’ve got to believe me! There is no time to lose. Midge needs us right away…"
ACT FOUR
SETTING: Back at the Sheriff’s Department. Dan McClelland is supervising the incarceration of a dozen sap bandits from neighboring counties.
DEPUTY: "Move along, men! You’re going to the graybar hotel for a long, long stay!"
BEANPOLE: (Disgusted) "Well, you got a guaranteed retirement after all! Nice job, boss!"
CREWMASTER: (Angrily, straining at his handcuffs) "We would’ve gotten away with it, if not for that meddling dog!"
SHERIFF: (With pride) "Great work, Midge. You’re the best K-9 officer in this department."
MIDGE: "Yip yip yip!!"
ROD: (Taking notes for a newspaper story) "What did she say?"
FAIRY: "She said Quigley was also very brave. He helped us nab the crooks!"
SHERIFF: (Scratching his forehead) "Your girl can… understand poochie lingo?"
ROD: "It’s a rare talent. She’s had lots of practice."
MIDGE: "Yap yap yap!"
SHERIFF: "Well, now what did my officer say?"
FAIRY: (With a sigh) "She’s sorry for sneaking out on Saturday night. It won’t happen again."
ROD: "That’s right. Next time someone gets to sneak out for a little moonlight, it’ll be me!"
LIZ: "Ahh, how romantic…"
ROD: "Yep, just a six-pack of Coke, a sack of cheeseburgers, a radio to hear about the Cleveland Indians in spring training… it doesn’t get any better than that!
QUIGLEY: "Yowwwwwl. Yarf!"
ROD: "What’d he say?"
LIZ: (Turning red) "That means… YOU’RE SUCH A POO!"

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF, CHARDON, OHIO