“Job Hunt Doo Wop”

c. 2007 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(1-07)




“And when I get the paper / I read it through and through / And my girl never fails to say / If there is any work for me / And when I go back to the house / I hear the woman's mouth / Preaching and a crying / Tell me that I'm lying 'bout a job / That I never could find. / Sha na na na, sha na na na na…”

- The Silhouettes, 1957

It had been a long day in the Ice Household home office.
Though it was only four o’clock, my eyes were burning. I had clicked through employment websites since daybreak. Seventeen copies of my resume waited on the kitchen table. My sense of time had been skewed by the exercise. Now, I was overdue for a trip to the post office! And my coffee cup was empty.
Liz appeared in the doorway, suddenly. Her pink business suit glowed like a radioactive isotope. She brushed snow from her glistening curls, and reached out for a hug. “Rodneyyyyy! It’s so good to be home!”
I felt glad to have a break from the Internet. After a lengthy squeeze, we moved to the living room. Quigley the Pomeranian curled up by our feet.
Tempting fate, I whispered a question. “So, how was your day?”
My wife kicked off her heels. “Let me tell you!” The dog yelped, then ran for cover. “I had three new employees for orientation, and a visit from my corporate supervisor. Then the roof started leaking in our stockroom. On the way home, Starbucks was closed because of a power outage! Then, there was an accident at Route 44 and Interstate 90. And a windshield wiper broke on the car! Ooooooh, I was ready to lose control!!”
I trembled. “Sounds like it’s time to see Vegas again!”
She smiled with exasperation. “Actually, it was a slow day. If not for this time of year, I’d still be at work, trying to get everything finished!”
I nodded with excitement. “Does that mean I get to do Vegas by myself? Hoo yeah!”
Liz wagged a finger in the air. “You’re such a poo!” She skipped toward the bedroom without letting me have a final word.
I started a fresh pot of java while watching snowflakes sail across the front porch. The sky had turned cloudy, and dark. Traditional winter had finally arrived in Northeastern Ohio!
My wife reappeared in a flamingo sweatshirt, and pants. “I noticed a WORD document still on the computer. Aren’t you done with this week’s column, Honey?”
I frowned. “No. Things won’t go in that direction. I’ve been searching job results all day…like yesterday, and the day before.”
She took my hand. “It will work out. You’ve just got to believe in yourself!”
“Thanks for being in my corner,” I said without hesitation.
Liz sipped her coffee. “I look at resumes all day. What about yours? Does it have the pizzazz of a writing project? Does it ‘sell’ you as a potential employee?”
“Take a look,” I said, handing her a copy. “Would you be interested in someone like this?”
She read the document out loud. Her nails tapped a staccato rhythm as she considered each word. “The resume of Rod Ice, Thompson, Ohio:

PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY - Good management is a practice that benefits everyone involved. There is simply no limit to the inherent yield of cooperation, productivity, and profit… the logic at work here is simple, but persuasive. Encouragement and guidance breed responsibility. In addition, a positive outlook is infectious! Expecting great things to happen makes such an outcome more likely. Spreading this ‘gospel’ of wise conduct has become a personal mission.

CAREER OBJECTIVE – To blend twenty-two years of retail experience and twenty-four years of freelance writing into a useful mix that will offer unique benefits for my employer.”

I watched her with loving fascination. “Sounds great so far. Keep going!”
She continued after a dramatic pause. “Yes, this is quite a list. I remember you mentioning some of these, before…

EDUCATION AND STUDY -
Graduate, Ithaca High School, Ithaca, New York

Student, Cornell University, Learning Web Apprenticeship Program;
WTCC-13, 519 W. State St., Ithaca, NY

Writer, The Ithaca Times, 108 W. State St., Ithaca, NY; S. K. List, Editor

Riser Foods ‘QEI’ Program (Corporate Excellence)

Writer, MC MULLEN PUBLICATIONS, P.O. Box 668, Redondo Beach, CA;
Robert Lipkin, Editor.”

My face went red. “Doesn’t sound like a ticket to living on the street, does it?”
“Stop it!” Liz snapped. “You’re not a bum! Quit thinking like one!”
I turned serious. “Okay, as a Personnel Manager, what would you change?”
She paused in meditative thought. Then, scribbled corrections flew from her pen.
“Just a bit of editing here, to clarify your points. And some rearranging of paragraphs. Organize your overview like this:

NAME / ADDRESS
CAREER OBJECTIVE
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
ACTIVITIES & HOBBIES
PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY
EDUCATION
REFERENCES

That will fit the typical pattern and offer your most important information ‘up front.’ You’d be surprised how many managers never get to the second page of a resume.”
I shrugged. “Looks good. But what about my employment details? You’ve got notes in the margin…”
“Be specific,” she answered. “Don’t write a novel, but list your duties by name. Saying you were in store supervision doesn’t tell them much. State what you did on a regular basis. Don’t leave them guessing.”
“That makes good sense,” I agreed.
Liz capped her pen. “If you are coming to me for a job, I need to know who you are, briefly and in clear terms. How would you describe your past work?”
My pulse quickened. “I viewed store management in the same light as journalism – it offered a way to help people. Groceries, appliances, or clothing sold themselves. We all needed such things. What I provided was service. A dependable link between my business and the consumer. Someone who would be a trustworthy advocate for the patron. Just as my newspaper career meant satisfying the public desire to be informed and entertained.”
She was pleased. “That’s my husband!”
“People knew that my name represented a guarantee,” I said. “With no excuses. My mission was to follow-up on every issue, one-hundred-percent of the time. A former boss used to say: ‘Retail is detail.’ I took that admonition to heart. It was like holding an election every day. Customers voted with their money. The cash register was our ballot box.”
Liz folded her hands. “You’ve got faith in the cause. That means everything!”
I wrinkled my nose. “So, tell me Mrs. Ice… why am I out of a job?”
She sighed. “Business can be brutal. But it’s like football. Quitters never win, and winners never quit…”
“Heyy,” I protested. “You’re stealing my material!”
“Hah!” she laughed. “Serves you right for teaching me that stuff! You know the lesson, Honey. Now learn it yourself.”
We spent the evening over my best Chicken Fettuccine with Tomatoes, and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Quietly, I reflected on the challenge ahead. Tomorrow was another day… Get A Job! Sha na na na, sha na na na na!

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF NEWSPAPER, CHARDON, OHIO