“ANSWER FROM AMERICA”

c. 2006 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(12-06)





Note to Readers: I’m a great fan of the United Kingdom. (With Scottish blood on my mother’s side of the family.) So the following work was strange to compose…

John Cleese is well known to most Americans for his groundbreaking work in the ‘Monty Python’ comedic troupe. Many have also enjoyed seeing domestic reruns of his ‘Fawlty Towers’ series, which was popular here thanks to PBS. Movie roles in ‘A Fish Called Wanda’ and ‘Harry Potter’ have helped him stay in the public consciousness.

Recently, this veteran performer issued a satirical critique of modern America. It was titled ‘Declaration of Revocation.’ After considering the message for several days, I drafted the following letter:


ANSWER FROM AMERICA
Respectfully Declining To Surrender Our Independence

Dear Mr. Cleese,
Greetings from nearly three hundred million free American citizens. We would like to offer our thanks for your considerable body of humorous work. Even in our hillbilly nation, you are regarded as a sort of folk hero. (In spite of the fact that you have probably come here, like your countrymen, simply to make lots of extra money from uncultured Yankees.)
Allow us to take issue with your most recent manuscript about resuming control over our portion of the continent. Included here is a point-by-point review that will clarify our position…


>>“To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.”

John, please! Your empire is long gone. Get over it.
With regard to electing competent leaders… remember Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain? The fellow who ‘secured peace in our time’ by signing a friendship agreement with Adolf the Nasty, just before German bombs began to rain down on your homeland? That didn’t work out, either. In America, the pendulum swings eternally. We are a rowdy bunch. (You’ll realize this when Barack Obama is sworn in at The White House during January, 2009.)

>>“You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up ‘aluminium.’ Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it… There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.”

John, isn’t calling your dinner ‘bubble and squeak’ or ‘bangers with mash’ also bad language? And about Jerry Springer – he was born in England. We now realize that you sent him here to annoy us and cheapen our intellectual standing worldwide. Thank you very much!

>>You should stop playing American ‘football.’ There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American ‘football’ is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays ‘American’ football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American ‘football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).”

John, you are correct. Soccer is a difficult game… for us to take seriously! It is a gender-neutral sport our children play in grade school to fill the time left between regular classes and recess. In that role, it is wonderful. But calling the contest ‘football’ doesn’t make us forget professional athletics. Even having David Beckham in Los Angeles won’t change that reality. BTW - do more than 2.15% of people in the U. K. know that they play North American football in Canada?

>>“You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.”

John, this Royal proposition might work on an island like yours. But our law enforcement officers have tried to take guns away from urban gangs, political malcontents, and illegal immigrants for years. To date, this activity is still a work in progress. Our southern border is thousands of miles long, and very porous. Anything smaller than an M-1 Abrams tank is hard to detect by satellite. Finally, the only Americans likely to cooperate with a weapons ban are those who aren’t part of the problem.

P. S. – In England, does a ‘Cricket Bat’ qualify as being potentially dangerous?

>>“All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.”

John, we know German cars well, because so many of them are made here. (Like the Japanese ones, and Korean, and…) As for British cars, even many of your own people won’t drive them. The only auto manufacturers left in England are those owned by foreigners. Go figure!

>>“The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling ‘beer’ is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer,’ and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘Lager.’ The substances formerly known as ‘American Beer’ will henceforth be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,’ with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as ‘Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine.’ This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.”

John, cold beer is good beer! Period. Warm is a temperature for chicken wings, loaded baked-potato skins, and Hooters waitresses.

Secondly, U. S. Budweiser is the world’s best-selling brand. Even we don’t understand why, but you can’t argue with the numbers. Your own people are willing to pay a hefty price to drink this stuff. It is the UK’s most popular premium packaged lager, for bars, pubs, and restaurants.
In conclusion, if you are ever in Ohio, visit the Great Lakes Brewery. (Some of us actually do like ‘good’ beer.)

>>“You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.”

John – in this land, most disputes are resolved intelligently. In other words, on television! We use Dr. Phil or Judge Judy to set things right. But America was born out of an armed rebellion. (Would you have given us independence if we grew flowers instead of organizing a citizen militia?) So we need the finality of weapons-grade combat. Lawyers offer us all the violence, without real bloodshed. The yield is fewer gun-related incidents. Therapists help convince us that the outcome is just as rewarding. Isn’t that better than authentic carnage?

>>“Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.”

We would… but then the CIA would have to kill you. ALL of you. It is better if we just keep the secret to ourselves.

I hope this provides useful insight into our individualistic approach to living. We humbly suggest you invade France if imperial superiority is something truly necessary to revive in England. (The French haven’t had a large group of visitors since hosting the Germans in 1940.) They are very hospitable people. Give it a try.

Thanks again for bringing ‘something completely different’ to America!

Yours Truly, Rod Ice

My letter needed extra postage to reach the United Kingdom. Yet sending the response seemed like a civic duty. It felt good to have spoken out in defense of the nation. If anything, I was grateful to Mr. Cleese for having inspired such a unique writing project.
Thank you, John. And God Bless America!

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF CHARDON, OHIO