“A Spirited Conversation”

c. 2006 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(12-06)

Note to Readers: As the New Year begins, many Americans have resolutions in mind that affect health, finances, and family matters. But for those in the afterlife, concerns about the future take on a different character altogether…

It was a blustery night in Thompson. Ice crystals whipped my front door with furious abandon. A moan of angry wind seeped through the window seals. I huddled close over a single candle, for extra warmth. Pale light filled the darkened living room. Liz was asleep in our bed. But restless thoughts kept me awake.
“Why now?” I protested through layers of sweatshirt material. “On a night like this… why would we have to lose power?”
The walls began to shake. Flame wisps reflected from the black television screen while I rubbed my arms. Hope of rescue seemed far away.
And then…
The room brightened with a sudden burst of otherworldly power. My fingers trembled uncontrollably! The floor buzzed with invading arcs of electric fire. I was paralyzed and mute. A silent scream filled my throat. “Hellllp meeeee!!”
A gentle voice stilled the chaos. “Good evening, Rodney.”
I sank in the chair. What kind of insanity had taken hold of my mind?
“Yes, welcome to you, friend,” A second personality intoned.
My eyes burned. It was impossible to blink!
“You must enlighten us, Rodney,” a third spirit said with emotion.
Amazement filled my senses. I strained for clearer vision in the wavering glow of candlelight. From the shadows, three faces appeared. Visages so familiar, that they were instantly recognizable. Yet unexpected! Those of President Gerald R. Ford, Senator Barry Goldwater, and President Ronald Reagan.
My jaw fell open. I croaked like a frog. “How are you here? And, why??”
Reagan spoke first. “Don’t you remember? I surprised you, two years ago…the look on your face when I appeared reminded me of Bonzo the chimp!”
I gasped for breath. “That was a wild dream. It made for an entertaining newspaper column. But nobody really believed it…”
Senator Goldwater laughed, mockingly. He raised a fist for emphasis. “Do I look real to you, kid?”
President Ford nodded with grandfatherly calm. “Rodney, this is strange to me, as well. I’ve only just arrived in the afterlife…everything is still so new! But we’re here on a mission. This is important work, just like what I did in the White House. We need answers. Answers you can provide.”
I was mystified. “Hey… I’m just a small-town wordsmith!”
Reagan clapped his hands. “And I was once just an actor with a primate co-star. That doesn’t mean you can’t help us, friend. Your outlook is what we need.”
Goldwater agreed. “What we want are real, unadulterated opinions. Not Washington ‘spin’ and horsefeathers!”
I was still confused. “You’ve come to a rural township in Ohio looking for answers… but answers to what?”
President Ford bowed his head. “Rodney, I don’t have to tell you that the Grand Old Party took quite a drubbing at the polls last year. That hurt almost as much as seeing my Wolverines lose to Ohio State!”
Silently, I shrugged in affirmation. “Sure, I saw what happened.”
“It was like a taste of strong medicine,” he continued. “Sour on the tongue, but able to teach us something.”
Reagan agreed. “Franklin Roosevelt and JFK have been chuckling for weeks! They said I ought to switch back to the Democratic Party!”
I taunted them with a riddle. “So, how do you know I’m not a passionate member of the Donkey Club?”
Ford shook his head. “We want a common man’s opinion on this mess. Not the excuses of professional pundits. Not a partisan excuse. Why did voters decide to throw us out of power?”
Goldwater smiled. “What do you think made this happen, brother?”
I took a deep breath. “Look, guys, I’m no Republican. I don’t identify with either national party. If anything, I’ve got a Libertarian outlook… our founders had a healthy mistrust of government and institutions. That attitude works for me…”
Ford smiled. “Rodney, I’ve had my own disagreements with the party leadership. It just seemed best not to make headlines during my mortal life. But now, I’m ready for straight talk. Call your own play, quarterback!”
“Same here,” Senator Goldwater observed. “You are the kind of guy we have to convince. So tell us, in layman terms, what put the GOP out of power?”
“No… you need to ask someone with more experience in these matters,” I protested.
Reagan whispered gently. “Rodney, we need straight talk from a regular citizen. The experts didn’t gain any yardage for 2006. So speak your mind, mister! Give an opinion for the Gipper!”
I sighed. They were not going to leave without satisfaction.
“Umm… okay, if you won’t take ‘no’ for an answer…” I struggled to compose my thoughts. “How would you define the word ‘conservative?’ What values would you reckon to be at the core of every true believer in this philosophy? Say, a strong defense, less government, lower taxes, moral certainty?”
All three echoed their approval. “Yes!”
“So,” I continued. “With Republican control spread from Washington to Columbus… do you think those basic principles were honestly being advanced?”
Senator Goldwater stammered. “Well…”
I narrowed my eyes. “Honestly? Come on, you’re all out of office and free to speak your minds!”
The trio looked at each other, with nervous uncertainty.
“Think like an everyday citizen,” I said. “A real party loyalist would certainly vote Republican in ‘06. Sort of like being a Browns fan in spite of wins and losses. Yet if one held true to conservative principles above all else…what would they do? Stand up for the party, or… their beliefs?”
President Reagan lowered his eyes.
“How did your people govern?” I asked. “Capitol Hill was ripe with pork-barrel spending, and influence-peddling. The debt kept rising as new programs were added. Doesn’t that sound pretty much like… business as usual?”
Senator Goldwater shivered. “I would have chastised the whole bunch of them!”
“Then,” I said. “When the public was expecting a change from long-term corruption and intrigue, you gave them Jack Abramoff, Mark Foley, and Governor Taft!”
Ford hid his face.
“Add to that the billions spent on Iraq, regardless of your opinion about the war,” I observed. “It’s a hard sell.”
The trio remained silent.
“So what do you get from all of that?” I concluded abruptly. “Public confidence? Victory on Election Day?”
Reagan was frustrated. “If it had been a movie, I would’ve fired the director!”
“Average, blue-collar voters don’t really sympathize with Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, or George Soros," I concluded. “But what did you guys offer in contrast?”
Goldwater raised his fist again. “Even Bonzo could’ve seen this train-wreck coming!”
“A conservative message speaks well to minority interests, if it is delivered properly,” I said with reflection. “The premise of opportunity and real achievement makes sense. It is authentic empowerment. But have any of your people made a genuine effort to reach out in the spirit of diversity? Jack Kemp tried that line of reasoning, and was soundly ignored. Colin Powell had credibility that crossed political lines, yet became disaffected with the status quo. You’ve got to do better.”
President Ford bit his lip. “We preach to the choir, too often. Our message is lost on the street. But it takes courage to speak out.”
My sermon was nearly at an end. “You are correct, Mr. President. But some of your own people are saying it out loud… read William F. Buckley’s recent work. I’ll repeat myself… you could have done better.”
Silence gripped the room. Their faces were red!
“Remember talk of the ‘Big Tent’ for Republicans?” I said passionately. “You need to fill that tent with more than empty chairs. Our world is moving quickly, in many directions. You need to regain focus. Talk about the future. Define your points of difference!”
The trio stood motionless while listening.
“Democrats will have Barack Obama as their charismatic standard bearer,” I concluded. “What will you have??”
No one answered the question.
“Sorry if that sounded like a tirade,” I apologized. “You asked for my opinion…”
“Yes we did,” Senator Goldwater agreed. “I feel like we just went through a scrimmage with Notre Dame. Thanks for the bruises, kid!”
President Reagan chortled. “Well, Barry is right. You’ve given us some hard knocks, but also a lot to consider. Nobody learns this game without getting mud on their uniform.”
Ford nodded. “Rodney’s ruminations were just a practice workout. Our toughest encounter will be in the 2008 political season. That’s where we could go four quarters without a touchdown play…”
Goldwater frowned. “Okay, so it’s agreed. We either prepare, or get shut out of the big contest!”
Reagan nodded with affection. “Thanks, friend…”
I reached for more coffee. A reply would barely form on my lips. “Uhmm, sure. It was a pleasure…”
Suddenly, harsh sounds filled my ears as power returned without warning! I spilled my cup from sheer surprise. The television crackled, and household lights flashed on and off with manic urgency. The furnace roared. Our alarm clock squawked like a demented rooster!
Saturday morning had come at last. And my guests were gone.
Liz appeared from the bedroom. She was wrapped in an extra blanket. Her pink cap fit snugly. “Aren’t you coooold out here?”
I didn’t answer.
She grew impatient with my silence. “Well, at least the power came back. Brrrr, this place is frosty! What made you sit out here all night?”
My reply sounded like nonsense. “I was having a conversation.”
“With who? Yourself?” she snapped.
“With three guys from… uhmmm… Washington.” I said.
My wife raised an eyebrow. “What did you say?”
I rubbed my eyes. “It was a dream. Never mind.”
She headed toward the bathroom with a flip of her blanket. “Enough of your crazy dreams. Go back to bed, Rodney!”

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF