“New Year’s Resolutions”

c. 2006 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(12-06)



Making resolutions for the New Year is a familiar way to spur moments of self-improvement. The tradition represents our hunger to achieve and excel on a personal level. Yet too often, these promises are quickly made, and forgotten. We need to more carefully consider such oaths before they are taken. Only then will we temper our desire for goodness with realism.
For this writer, ten resolutions await the coming year. Each is the sort of goal one might expect for a season of remembrance and celebration. But when applied, they will produce results that may differ from your own. Read on, and compare!

ROD’S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2007

ONE: I resolve to help clean up my environment.

Thrift stores and yard sales around Geauga are always cluttered with collectable books, kitchen appliances, vinyl records, furniture, car parts, paintings, old radios, 8-track tapes, magazines, and beer cans. In the New Year I will do my best to purchase more of these items to help beautify the greater community. I also pledge to find good homes for any stray, plastic flamingos that have been abandoned by their keepers.

Note: My wife says I’ve got to find room for the extra junk, first.

TWO: I resolve to begin recycling.

I promise to reuse, recycle, and reduce! Household conservation will begin with a tire-garden row around the house. Then, foil pans can replace our expensive cookware. Containers, jars, and bottles will be washed and used again. Old sheets may reappear as ‘retro’ clothing. Discarded phone books might make excellent facial tissue! Extra nuts and bolts will be saved for future repairs. Even old tablecloths can be sewed together for use as curtains. Our careful innovations will do much to stretch household finances.


THREE: I resolve to be more health conscious.

Typically, medical professionals focus on issues of diet and fitness when considering their patients. Too often overlooked is the need for emotional wellness. In the approaching calendar year, I promise to help address this need. The Ice Household will host more game-day parties that feature wings, ribs, and nachos. No one will be allowed to leave without a smile!

Note: Wife Liz says, “Tell them your doctor won’t approve. Don’t try this at home!”

FOUR: I resolve to drink more water.

My doctor insists that it is the nectar of life. Therefore, I promise to chug more water, along with hops, barley, yeast, and malt. Because of the great importance attached to this liquid, increased consumption will begin immediately. I predict heightened self-satisfaction, and a general reduction in personal stress. My chances of living to the age of one hundred years are bound to increase. Healthy living, here I come!

FIVE: I resolve to lose weight.

It is no secret – to lose pounds, one must EAT LESS. Personal food intake needs to be reduced before slimming can begin. So, in the New Year I promise to eliminate meal portions in the interest of self-betterment. I will give up fruits completely. Ditto for vegetables. (Except celery stalks with blue cheese dressing, as a side dish for hot wings.) If this sacrifice leaves me hungry, I will simply drink more water. (See resolution number four.)

SIX: I resolve to clean out my closet.

I promise to donate unused clothing items to locations of The Discovery Shop. The result will be extra space, and thrifty garments for those in need! Forgotten wearables have collected at home with frightening speed. Now, these treasures can find a new life in happier environs. They include a pink T-shirt, used only once to clean my truck; a purple tie, left in the drawer because it doesn’t go with anything else in my wardrobe; a green Hawaiian shirt that appears to have been made out of motel bedding; and a pastel pink dress shirt, bought to appease my wife during a shopping trip.

SEVEN: I resolve to think globally, and act locally.

For the New Year, I promise to act as a goodwill ambassador for America. I will find a ‘pen pal’ in France, and send them copies of our newspaper. In some small way, this may help increase common awareness between our opposite regions of the world. Also, I pledge to offer gifts of Giant Eagle Pork Rinds, selected NASCAR trinkets, Carhartt work apparel, Miller High Life, and a DVD of Larry the Cable Guy. My Gallic compatriot will come to know and love Geauga as a friendly spot on the map!

Note: Liz refused to allow the package mentioned above to leave our home. She insisted on a more gentle representation of U. S. culture. Substitute the following instead: Richard’s Maple Syrup, videos from GTV, fine cheeses from Middlefield, and an autographed photo of Val ‘The Polka Gal’ Pawlowski.

EIGHT: I resolve to commit more random acts of kindness.

In 2007, I promise to clip coupons from the ‘Country Savings Magazine’ and give them to people I don’t know. For a total stranger in need of plumbing help or auto repair, such a gift could be priceless. The habit will spread good cheer, while increasing business for local merchants. Deals at eateries like ‘The New York Deli’ and ‘19th Taverne on the Greene’ might lift spirits while assisting the family budget. In addition, extra conversations are bound to result from such activity.

NINE: I resolve to become more politically active.

Each year, Election Day typically produces a sense of frustration for our voters. We grumble with dissatisfaction, but accept the status quo without any attempt to create a climate of change. With that in mind, I hereby declare my candidacy for Governor. I intend to run in 2010, on the Libertarian Party ticket. My running mate, Mary Bramstedt, will explain our strategy at a joint appearance on the Chardon Square.

Note: Liz says I have to try for president of something like the Geauga Browns Backers before attempting to win a term as Ohio Governor. Watch for updates on this resolution as they develop… I’ll contact Bernie Kosar soon for his support.

TEN: I resolve to learn a foreign language.

America’s version of the English tongue has been so influenced by urban culture and technology that it often sounds like gibberish. Sports metaphors add to the confusion. High-speed linguistic abbreviations rattle anyone over thirty. In the New Year, I pledge to get a handle on this timely reinvention of how we speak to each other.

A new calendar year dependably offers the hope of perspectives as yet unseen. To have untested possibilities is to be reborn in spirit. Old habits perish with the fall of night. And we resolve… to begin… again!

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF