MAN LAWS

c. 2006 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(11-06)



Beer commercials are a truly American form of art. They touch hearts and minds from all levels of the social strata. These promotional spots dispense wisdom and humor in a form that speaks clearly to the everyday public. So their impact on the nation is considerable.
Recently, a series of ads by the Miller Brewing Company sparked spirited chatter in our household. As Liz and I enjoyed Parmesan-Tomato Fettuccine, the topic entered our conversation.
“This is good,” she observed. “I like your style, Chef Rodney.”
I bowed my head. “Thanks. It is my own creation…”
She giggled. “No recipe?”
I frowned. “Nah, those are too restrictive. Free-form cooking is my culinary style. If it doesn’t taste right, I just drink more adult beverages.”
My wife gestured with her fork. “Is that a ‘Man Law’ Mr. Ice?”
I was stunned by the remark. “A what?”
“A ‘Man Law’ like the beer advertisement,” she said.
Laughter spilled from my mouth. “Yeah, there you go! So let it be written on this day…in the County of Geauga… Mannn Lawwww!”
Liz tilted her head back. “Wait… what’s that… there is the echo of an idea… I feel a newspaper column coming on…”
My face went red. “Okay, I get your suggestion.”
Her mock-epiphany was comically dramatic. “Yes, there it is… a bold strike of inspiration, in the overwhelming darkness…”
“Where is my notepad?” I said. “Let me jot this down.”
She clapped with victory. “Have The Maple Leaf earmark that pay envelope for meeeeeeeee!”

ROD’S ‘MAN LAWS’

1.) BIGGER IS BETTER. A TRUCK IS ALWAYS PREFERABLE TO A YUGO.
In other words, no man truly enjoys driving a minivan, economy car, or anything painted in pastel colors. Fuel economy is something to gripe about, but not a determining factor in vehicle selection. We like to occupy as much space on the road as possible.

2.) MEN LIKE MACHINERY. PERIOD.
We enjoy lawn tractors, snow throwers, tools, barbecue grills, and shop vacuums with extra appliances. Owning a high-output cordless drill that can double as an emergency water pump and signal flare would be heavenly. Having a Black & Decker military-spec fillet knife and salad shooter, is our dream.

3.) BEER IS A FOOD GROUP
We consume this flavorful brew with gusto. Fruit and toy umbrellas are nothing more than a distraction. Our only interest in a feminine slant on beer comes from the opinions of top models who sell the stuff during sporting events.

4.) CHICKEN WINGS ARE BETTER THAN SALAD, ANY DAY
We don’t care about calories or carbohydrates. What we eat must be spicy and filling. If it goes with beer, that is an added plus. (If it doesn’t, we’ll drink suds with it, anyway.)

5.) DOGS OFFER THE HIGHEST FORM OF FRIENDSHIP
A good canine buddy will provide loyalty without conditions. A human being that can do the same is very, very rare. In dogs we trust.

6.) MUD IS BEAUTIFUL
We like it on our T-shirts, jeans, work boots, and pickup trucks. A smear across the
face says “Hoo boy, I’m having fun today!” Mud is sexy. John Wayne, Chuck
Norris, or Sam Elliot didn’t mind getting grubby in their movies. If ‘dirt’ was a color,
we’d buy it from Sherwin-Williams and paint the house for good!

7.) WAITRESSES SHOULD BE DRESSED FOR FUN
Choose your preference. They should either be attired like a Hooters Girl, a
Playboy Bunny, or a cheerleader.

8.) FRUIT ISN’T ON MY MENU. SORRY!
If God wanted me to eat fruit, he would’ve made a cow out of pineapple or a chicken
out of prunes.

9.) TOOLS GET THE JOB DONE
If you want the plumbing fixed, I need a wrench to do it. That’s why the garage is full of tools instead of yellow beach hats and lime green sandals.

10.) ‘TITANIC’ IS A CRAPPY MOVIE
The only good part is watching that famous boat go under. The rest is
boooooooring! Bring on something with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

When the list was finished, I showed it to Liz. Her reaction came as a total surprise. I had expected an in-depth critique of the platitudes. But instead, she demanded equal time. “Why aren’t there any ‘Woman Laws’ in those commercials?”
I bit my tongue. “Do women actually watch beer advertisements?”
She wasn’t amused. “Could you answer my question?”
I shrugged. “Okay, I have no clue. Why don’t you write some of your own? I’ll include them with my manuscript.”
Her response echoed like a cheer. “Yes! Equal time, here I come!!”

LIZ’S WOMAN LAWS:

1.) CHOCOLATE IS A FOOD GROUP
If men understood the power of chocolate they could avoid most marital disputes, and divorces that result. But Mother God didn’t include that information in their gender template. They don’t deserve to know.

2.) BEAUTY SHOULDN’T BE A FULL-TIME JOB
Men typically judge women only by their appearance. That kind of outlook is shallow. Get over it! This isn’t high school. Don’t expect me to look like a Prom Queen after nine hours at work.

3. YOU HAVE TO SPEAK TO BE UNDERSTOOD
If you want us to understand you, it requires use of the English language. Spousal communication is not like playing ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ I don’t have time to guess what you are thinking. Just say it! (Politely, with tact.)

4.) FRUIT IS GOOD FOR YOU - SO IS THE COLOR PINK
The same goes for vegetables, low-fat cheese, and yogurt. You can’t live on steak,
ribs, pizza, and chicken wings without expecting multiple heart attacks by age 50.
And wearing pink is proven to reduce stress. Do the math!

5.) BEING COLOR-COORDINATED WILL NOT MAKE OTHERS QUESTION
YOUR MANHOOD
Having on a shirt, pants, and shoes that actually go together can be fun. You won’t embarrass me in public, and I like that.

6.) SHOES ARE LIKE POTATO CHIPS – MY CRAVING STOPS WHEN THE
BAG IS EMPTY
I wouldn’t expect you to eat one cheese puff while watching a football game. Don’t ask me to survive with one pair of shoes.

7.) SHOPPING IS MORE COMPETITIVE THAN HUNTING
You spend all day tracking down helpless animals. C’mon, genius, eventually you’ll
shoot something if you wait long enough. I have to find bargains while
trying to out-think other customers on the prowl for goodies!

8.) BEING ROMANTIC SHOULD COME NATURALLY
Get your priorities straight: Wife = first; leisure activities = second. If I were a ‘Monster Truck’ you’d follow me everywhere. At least show the same amount of interest you’d have for a new air compressor or shotgun.

9.) CANDLELIGHT, FLOWERS, AND WINE ARE ALWAYS A HIT!
A night with television, a thirty-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, and a bag of corn chips does NOT constitute “having fun.”

10.) ‘TITANTIC’ IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES EVER MADE
It isn’t supposed to be an adventure film. It’s a love story. Stop complaining!

By the time I’d finished writing, my coffee cup was empty. A trip to the kitchen offered snacks and more refreshment. I paused thoughtfully, while reflecting on the contrast of genderized platitudes. “Will this really work for the newspaper?
Liz spoke from the other room. “You only missed one thing.”
I was puzzled. “What? I missed something…?”
“You never mentioned pork rinds,” she said.
My face went red for a second time. “Okay… why does that matter??”
She pointed her finger in the air. “You’ve got to mention crunchy pig bites whenever the subject turns to food, honey. It’s a MAN LAWWWWWWWW!”

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF