A PINK NOEL

c. 2006 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(12-06)


I slept in late on Saturday. Very late!
Admittedly, the event itself was not unique. I had awakened off-schedule many times since June, when unemployment carelessly sidetracked my personal agenda. But today carried a greater reward. After much creative wordsmithing, my December slumber offered an opportunity to subconsciously compose an ending to my most recent manuscript. Over coffee, I mused about the document. A bit of self-editing, plus one more paragraph of text… and it would be ready to send!
Only one thing stood between breakfast and my goal. She was a petite, eight-year-old girl named Soccer Fairy. Liz, my wife, was already at work. Handling family needs on the homefront was now a responsibility I carried alone!
It was a serious occasion in the household. We had agreed to a parent-child meeting at ten o’clock! The moment held importance that could not be denied. Grandma Cali busied herself with Leigh, The Fairy’s older sister, as I sat at the kitchen table. Already in attendance were Curious George, Grumpy the Siamese cat, and our Pomeranian, Quigley.
The occasion was even more auspicious than celebrating our girl’s masterful work as a goalie in summertime soccer. She had once blocked two difficult shots in the fourth quarter of a game to guarantee victory! The task currently at hand held much greater significance, however. We had to solve a riddle that had nagged her all year.
“Okay Roddy, call the meeting to order,” she said, smartly.
I replied with a yawn. “Order, everyone! Order! I’ll have an order of fries with my cheeseburger, and a chocolate shake. Okay, what else do you need?”
Soccer Fairy wasn’t amused. “This is important!”
Quigley barked enthusiastically. “Arf, arf!”
“Sorry,” I apologized. “Keep talking while I refill my mug.”
Leigh nodded her approval.
“We’ve got to figure this out,” SF proclaimed with a frown. “What will we get Mommy for Christmas? Time is running out!”
I went blank. “Usually, she gets plenty of chocolate and perfume. You can’t miss with those kinds of gifts!”
“We do that every year!” The Fairy complained.
I sank into my chair. “Yes, but…”
Grumpy swatted at a stray envelope.
“We need something different! That stuff is boooring!” she complained.
Quigley put a paw over his eyes. “Yelp!”
Grandma Cali spooned pancakes onto our stovetop griddle. “Leigh and I are staying out of this. Good luck!”
My eyes wouldn’t focus. “Okay, maybe we need a theme.”
“Like the Twelve Days of Christmas?” SF wondered aloud.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “But with a twist to please Mommy.”
“Like Twelve Days of Pink for Christmas?” she cheered.
Leigh couldn’t stop laughing. That was it!
Quigley waved a paw at Curious George. “Rowf!!”
I chugged java until my eyes quit burning. “I think the Bob and Doug McKenzie approach would be easier. Just give her ‘a beer, in a tree’ and call it Noel!”
Soccer Fairy pointed her finger. “Roddy!”
Grumpy hid under the table.
“Uhmm, okay. A Pink Christmas,” I said with contrition. “So, how do we come up with a dozen presents that fit the plan?”
SF began to sing. “On the first day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!”
“Pink, of course,” I said.
Leigh giggled at the improvised carol.
I took a deep breath. “Well then! On the second day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy... two plastic flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree.”
“Pink Flamingos?” The Fairy laughed.
“The company that makes them in Massachusetts is going out of business,” I said. “They could end up being rare birds.”
Grandma Cali was stunned. “Say it ain’t so!”
Quigley joined Grumpy under the table.
SF continued the song. “On the third day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… three pink poodle skirts, two plastic flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!”
I chuckled. Our list was gaining credibility. “On the fourth day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree.”
“Floyd wears pink?” The Fairy said with confusion.
“Never mind,” I replied. “They’re a rock group. Mommy will know.”
She kept the vibe going. “On the fifth day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
Quigley ran for the living room. “Yarf!”
I thought hard enough to break a sweat. “On the sixth day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy…six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
“Yuck!” Grandma Cali exclaimed.
Leigh wrinkled her nose.
“Work with me here,” I pleaded.
Soccer Fairy kept singing with excitement. “On the seventh day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… seven Pink Panther dolls, six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
Our idea-train was on track!
“On the eighth day of Christmas,” I sang. “We gave to Mommy… eight 8-Tracks by Pink Lady, seven Pink Panther dolls, six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
The Fairy scratched her head. “Who??”
“Pink Lady was a Japanese duo, Mie and Kei,” I explained. “They sang like disco robots. Once, the girls even had a TV show with comedian Jeff Altman called ‘Pink Lady and Jeff’ on NBC. That was when I was in high school.”
“You are goofy!” she retorted. “Anyway… On the ninth day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… nine pink Cadillacs, eight 8-Tracks by Pink Lady, seven Pink Panther dolls, six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
“How do we afford nine Cadillacs?” I said in disbelief.
“We can get her Hot Wheels cars,” she squeaked, joyfully.
I took a deep breath. “On the tenth day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… ten pink Hello Kitty charms, nine pink Cadillacs, eight 8-Tracks by Pink Lady, seven Pink Panther dolls, six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
Quigley begged for mercy. “Yowwwwwl!”
Leigh waved her arms as Grandma Cali professed amazement. “Don’t stop now! Finish the tune!”
Soccer Fairy grew anxious. “On the eleventh day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… eleven pink petunias, ten pink Hello Kitty charms, nine pink Cadillacs, eight 8-Tracks by Pink Lady, seven Pink Panther dolls, six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
Suddenly, the room went silent. Everyone was staring at me with anticipation. I drank the last of my coffee in a single gulp.
Grumpy slapped the floor with his furry tail.
“Just one more verse,” Grandma Cali said, supportively.
Quigley barked in agreement. “Arf!”
“Come on, Roddy,” The Fairy pleaded. “You can do it! What’s the last thing on our list?”
I stood up in front of the kitchen table. My voice began to swell. “On the twelfth day of Christmas, we gave to Mommy… twelve pink RAZR cell phones, eleven pink petunias, ten pink Hello Kitty charms, nine pink Cadillacs, eight 8-Tracks by Pink Lady, seven Pink Panther dolls, six pounds of pink salmon. Five pink lipsticks! Four Pink Floyd CDs, three pink poodle skirts, two pink flamingos, and pink fuzzy slippers from the Dollar Tree!"
Applause filled the air. “We did it! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!”

* * * * *

As the holiday drew nearer, Liz was puzzled by the proliferation of packages under our tree. “What is all that stuff? There are so many boxes. And all addressed to… me?”
“It’s just a bit of old-fashioned Yuletide spirit,” I said. “Think of it as a hug from your family. Every bundle says ‘we love you’ with Christmas cheer!”

FROM THE GEAUGA COUNTY MAPLE LEAF, CHARDON, OHIO