CARS: The Real Story

“CARS: THE REAL STORY”
c. 2006 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(7-06)




Note to Readers: What follows is a one-act play that takes place at a secluded boardroom in Detroit. Present are Henry Ford XVI, General Motors (Ret.) and Hans Chrysler. Chairman of the discussion is erstwhile Presidential Candidate H. Ross Perot. They are considering the re-introduction of Volkswagen’s ‘Rabbit’ model, skyrocketing fuel prices, and how to better compete with foreign automakers.
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SETTING: A long, dark chamber, lined with paintings of industrial tycoons. Coffee cups and water bottles are strewn across the table. Half-empty trays of fine edibles are everywhere. Binders full of statistical data are piled in front of each participant. Yet their mood is rowdy. The group engages in petty squabbling and mischief before their conference begins.


H. ROSS PEROT: (Slams his fist on the table) “I’d like to call this-here meetin’ to order! Ya’ll listen up!”

HENRY FORD XVI – (To The General) “Your medals are blinding me. Did you have to come here in a full dress uniform?”

GENERAL MOTORS – “What, are you jealous, Private? I don’t see any gold on YOUR chest.”

HANS CHRYSLER - “Come on everyvone, vee must settle down!”

GENERAL M. - (Lights a cigar) “Hey Chrysler, since when do you talk with an accent? You sound like Sgt. Schultz from ‘Hogan’s Heroes.’”

FORD XVI – “Yeah, and where did you get the name ‘Hans?’ I thought it was Walter…”

H. CHRYSLER - (Miffed by their comments) “It vas part of zee merger mit ‘Daimler Auto.’ Shutten zee up!”

PEROT - “Okay, calm down. Let’s talk about the market. We’ve had a rough ride thanks to Toyota, Honda, and Nissan. Now Kia, Hyundai and Suzuki have made things worse. But this takes the cake - those dad-blamed Krauts in Wolfsburg have brought back THE RABBIT!”

H. CHRYSLER – “Achtung! Be nice to zee Krauts!”

GENERAL M. – “Holy Howitzers!! THE RABBIT?? It’s a dark day for all of us!!”

FORD XVI – “Guys! You’re worked up over nothing. The car is just a Golf with new design features.”

H. CHRYSLER – “Gas is at three dollars a gallon, und you zay ‘chust a Golf.’ Ach du lieber! THE RABBIT will multiply sales like crazy!”

PEROT - “The folks at VW reckon it will bring back memories of the fuel-efficient 70’s. That’ll sell in today’s market!”

GENERAL M. – “Yeah, nostalgia works in America. Customers are re-enlisting at my dealerships, every day. I’ve got Monte Carlos, Impalas, Malibus… people love them!”

FORD XVI – “Great, General. Why don’t you order the troops to build a new Vega or maybe a modern Corvair? THAT would satisfy your customers!”

H. CHRYSLER – “Himmel! You talk brave, Herr Ford. How about vee build a new PINTO? Ja, there’s a big vinner mit customers!! Ohh, jaaa!!”

FORD XVI – “Hey Hans… I mean Walter… that’s just sour grapes from you. Or should I say sour-braten??”

H. CHRYSLER – (Curses) “GEFUNDLICHKEITMICHLENNERTHAUSPICHT!!!!!”

PEROT – “Boys, let’s settle down, okay? You’re wandering off the trail.”

GENERAL M. – “TEN-HUT!! He’s right. We’ve all got a big problem. THE RABBIT will nuke us! What can we do?”

PEROT – “I think VW is on to somethin’ here. We need cars that’ll sip gasoline instead of takin’ Texas-sized gulps. But to sell them to regular folks, we need some familiar style. Somethin’ that’ll make them feel comfy about drivin’ around in a little box on wheels. No red-blooded American really likes that.”

FORD XVI – “Okay… what’s the plan?”

PEROT – “Walter… uh, I mean, Hans… everything will start with YOU.”

H. CHRYSLER – “Ja? Mit me??”

PEROT – “Brother Ford here has done mighty well with the new Mustang. People love it. They’re standin’ in line to plunk down money on one of those.”

FORD XVI – (With a look of self-assurance) “What can I say? After sixteen generations, you really KNOW how to build cars people want!”

GENERAL M. – (Gestures with his cigar) “Sheesh! Wait till my new Camaro comes out. We’ll sell platoons of them!!”

PEROT – “Boys, your ideas are great. But we need to sell fuel economy, as well. That’s where Hansie Boy comes in. He can start the ball rollin’ for everybody!”

H. CHRYSLER – “Ja? How do vee do it??”

PEROT – “You boys bought out American Motors, a long time ago. Right?”

H. CHRYSLER – (nodding) “Ja! Dis is how vee got Jeep! Vot a moneymaker!!”

PEROT – “Then ya’ll still own the rights to the car that’ll bring back the glory days of good ol’ American know-how… THE AMC PACER!”

H. CHRYSLER – (Sputtering) “NEINNNNNNNN!!! You talk crazy!”

GENERAL M. – Spills his coffee; chokes on his cigar.

FORD XVI – (gasping) “Are you getting senile??”

PEROT – “Boys, I’m tellin’ you, it’d work, big time! Just think of the promotional possibilities. There’d be a tie-in with the re-release of ‘WAYNE’S WORLD’ and maybe we could give one to Jay Leno on ‘The Tonight Show’ as part of a skit! Yee-Haw!!”

GENERAL M. – “Okay, I get it, Ross. You’ve been requisitioning some corn liquor again, right?”

FORD XVI – “So, maybe I SHOULD bring back the Pinto?”

PEROT – “I’m just tryin’ to shed some light on the subject. Like I said, we don’t care for little cars. Never have! But with gas goin’ up every day, we need ‘em. So there’s got to be a way to make the bitter pill taste better!”

H. CHRYSLER – (Smiling) “Ja, I could have mein secretary call Mike Myers.”

GENERAL M. – (Bows his head) “Well, there’s a whole scrap-heap worth of models I could re-introduce. The Monza, The Chevy II, The Tempest, The Buick Opel, or even… The Chevette!”

PEROT – “That’s more like it! Think of the possibilities! Before you know it, we’ll be kicking Toyota all the way back to the Sea of Japan!!”

FORD XVI – “I still make the Falcon in Australia. I could just bring it here…”

PEROT – (Grinning with pleasure) “I always say there’s nothin’ that can beat America when our people work together.”

H. CHRYSLER – “Ja, okay…NEU FOR 2007. SAVEN ZEE BIG BUCKS, DRIVE A CUTE LITTLE CAHR. DRIVE ZEE PACER! GOTT BLESS AMERIKA!”

GENERAL M. – (With a new stogie) “Hansie, you’re alright! The three of us are gonna make a killing! Pacers, Falcons and Chevettes for everybody!!”

PEROT, CHRYSLER, FORD, AND THE GENERAL – (Singing together) “We killed The Rabbit, we killed The Rabbit!!”
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EPILOGUE: (From the Cleveland Plain Dealer)
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By Chris Morgan, Staff Writer - “Visitors to the 2007 Greater Cleveland Auto Show were stunned by a wealth of thrifty, stylish models from GM, Ford, and Daimler-Chrysler. But the season’s biggest splash came from across the Atlantic Ocean. Central in the exhibition was Eastern Europe’s latest subcompact – the updated and redesigned NEWGO. At a price of $8995 (with A/C and an automatic transmission) this modern cousin to the late, lamented YUGO dominated the gathering, and promised to be a hit in showrooms across Ohio!”