“Loser’s Club”

c. 2008 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(6-08)


Note to Readers: What follows is a one-act play, based on the life-experiences of a dubious, yet well-known group of celebrities: Jim Kelly, former NFL Quarterback and four-time Superbowl loser; Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani, both failed presidential candidates; Marc Dann, disgraced former Ohio Attorney General; and New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick, loser of Superbowl XLII.

SETTING: A secret warehouse in downtown Cleveland. The venue has been remodeled to serve as a clandestine meeting place for visiting dignitaries. They are members of a national organization called ‘The Loser’s Club.’

THE PLAYERS: Notable public figures, politicians, athletes, and professional coaches.

JIM KELLY: (Banging his ceremonial Buffalo Bills gavel) “Please take your seats, everyone. On behalf of our exalted trustees, I’d like to open this meeting of the Loser’s Club!”

HILLARY CLINTON: “Loser? I must be in the wrong room!”

RUDY GIULIANI: (Laughing) “Trust me. You’re in good company here.”

MARC DANN: “Come on Hillary. Sit down. Make yourself at home.”

J. KELLY: (Gesturing for attention) “We are thrilled to be meeting in Cleveland, Ohio. This city has inspired all of us, by consistently failing to win a championship in football, baseball, or basketball…”

HILLARY: “That’s it! I’m leaving!!”

M. DANN: “Settle down, sister!”

BILL BELICHICK: “Yeah, don’t get your panties in a bunch, Ms. Rodham!”

HILLARY: (Pointing her finger) “Watch your mouth, Belly-choke!”

B. BELICHICK: (Angrily) “Hey, back off, Donkey Queen! You’ve got a big attitude for someone who got whipped by a political novice!”

HILLARY: “I should’ve spy-taped Obama like you did opponents in the NFL. Then I might’ve had a chance in the primaries!”

B. BELICHICK: (Red faced) “How dare you! No wait… that’s your husband’s line…”

R. GIULIANI: “Hey, the bar opens after we finish our meeting. Can we get through this, already??”

J. KELLY: (Again banging his gavel) “We’ve gathered here today to honor someone who has taken ‘losing’ to a new extreme. Someone who has exemplified the very essence of what it means to go down in flames, with dignity…”

M. DANN: “Bill deserves the trash-can trophy. I might be a loser, but I still wouldn’t have taken the Giants for granted, in front of a national audience!”

B. BELICHICK: “It’s easy to run your mouth on Monday morning, especially after chasing skirts all weekend…”

R. GIULIANI: “Sorry, Bill. Marc is right. You get to the Super Bowl, then let a rookie quarterback like Eli Manning pick apart your top-of-the-league defense? Nice job. Just like your days here on Lake Erie with the Browns.”

HILLARY: (Cackling) “Who’s wearing the skirt now, Bill?”

B. BELICHICK: “Back on your broom, witch!”

J. KELLY: “People! Please!”

HILLARY: “I won more votes, with more delegates, and the party leadership took it all away! I don’t belong in this club! Do you hear me??”

M. DANN: “Ms. Rodham, give it up. Judgement has been passed. You’re in a big boat with the rest of us… sailing out to oblivion…”

R. GIULIANI: (Singing out loud) “Ride Captain, ride…”

J. KELLY: “Let’s have a round of applause for the newest recipient of our Edsel Ford Trash-Can Trophy… Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton!”

(Applause and cheers fill the room.)

B. BELICHICK: “Well, give that lady a cigar!”

M. DANN: (With a grin) “Idiot! Don’t say ‘cigar’ around Mrs. C!”

R. GIULIANI: “Nice faux pas, Bill. Pull Monica’s foot out of your mouth and shut up.”

HILLARY: “Coach, I’ll bet you’re an Obama supporter, besides being a football cheater!”

J. KELLY: “People! Settle down. I want to say a few words…”

(Everyone raises their champagne glasses)

J. KELLY: “On behalf of the Loser’s Club, I make this toast… to a woman gifted with greatness. A vibrant spirit offering illumination in the darkness. A tireless warrior for the downtrodden people of our nation… a passionate, unselfish champion of truth, justice, and the American way…”

B. BELICHICK: (Whispering) “Hillary must’ve written that herself.”

M. DANN: (Snorting with amusement) “Geez, this sounds like something out of an old ‘Superman’ rerun!”

R. GIULIANI: “I think Jim got sacked one time too many in that Superbowl against the Redskins.”

B. BELICHICK: “These meetings are really boring. Next time, I’m going to bring my iPod and a bag of Doritos.”

HILLARY: “Shut up! The Chairman is talking!”

J. KELLY: (With his glass held high) “To you, Mrs. Clinton…Loser of the Year!”

(The toast is echoed with cheers and loud celebration.)

HILLARY: (Frowning) “I deserve the Democrat nomination for President! Not your stinky trash-can prize!”

R. GIULIANI: “Go with what you’ve got, Ms. Rodham.”

M. DANN: “Don’t complain! The Edsel Trophy comes with gift cards to Wal-Mart and Outback Steakhouse. It beats walking away with nothing!”

B. BELICHICK: “Like you did, leaving Columbus?”

J. KELLY: (Frustrated) “Is anybody listening to me??”

(The room falls silent)

HILLARY: “This is an outrage! I deserve to break through the glass ceiling! This was my turn to win the White House!”

J. KELLY: “Sorry, Hill. Obama may be short on experience and savvy, but he’s camera-friendly. That counts in the Information Age.”

R. GIULIANI: “You can still go for Supreme Court Justice, or Senate Majority Leader. Or perhaps… Ambassador to Dubai or China! Your hubby is cozy with both of them. Life goes on…”

M. DANN: “At least you’ve still got the support of your party! I’d kill for some of that!”

HILLARY: (With disgust) “Hah! You’d be glad for a bus ticket back to Youngstown!”

B. BELICHICK: “I’d be glad for a bag of Doritos!”

J. KELLY: “Okay! As I was saying… Hillary Clinton deserves our loyalty, and love, and gratitude, as a loser of great distinction…”

R. GIULIANI: “Hip. Hip, hooray!”

HILLARY: “Stop saying that! I am not a loser!”

M. DANN: “That’s what I told Governor Strickland. But it didn’t wash.”

B. BELICHICK: “Once you’ve got the tag, it’s yours for life…”

HILLARY: “I am not a loser!”

J. KELLY: “Of course not. Neither was Jose Mesa, or Fran Tarkenton, or Adlai Stevenson, or George McGovern.”

R. GIULIANI: “Yes, we’re all winners here, actually. That goes without saying.”

M. DANN: “But circumstances and misunderstandings made us fail…”

B. BELICHICK: “And meddling by the league!”

J. KELLY: “Do you see? Being a loser only means you’ve been a victim, Mrs. Clinton. Not a failure.”

HILLARY: “Yes… I’m a victim! Of prejudice and vast conspiracies!”

R. GIULIANI: “Now you’ve got it!”

M. DANN: “We’re all victims. The establishment shot us down!”

B. BELICHICK: “Amen, brother! And… sister!”

J. KELLY: “Join us, Mrs. C. Together, we are stronger than the rest.”

HILLARY: “Yes… stronger. Not… a loser!”

M. DANN: “You are one of us.”

R. GIULIANI: “One of us…”

HILLARY: “Yes, I am. Yes I am! Yes I am!!!”

POSTSCRIPT: The club concluded its regular meeting by singing the Johnny Paycheck hymn ‘Loser of the Year’ in unison.”

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