“Geauga-Tel”

c. 2008 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(4-08)




NOTE TO READERS: What follows here is a work of fiction. Do not be alarmed.

It had been a long week in the Icehouse home office.

After many winter nights of creative wordsmithing, a variety of projects waited to be finished. But my concentration had been broken by the seasonal rise of outdoor temperatures. Though I needed to be at the computer, spring was calling!

After a walk with Quigley and Riley, our household canine contingent, I made a fresh pot of coffee. Focus and concentration seemed to return, soon afterward. Finally, a half-finished manuscript on local athletes appeared from my pile. The creative moment had arrived!

Then, the telephone rang.

“Rodney?” the caller exclaimed, in a voice reminiscent of Katharine Hepburn. “This is Kate Meffler. How are you?”

I went numb with surprise. She was a coworker during my days with the Montville Messenger. One who hadn’t made contact in years. So it seemed proper to be polite and courteous. “Uhhhh… I’m great! How are youuu?”

“I’m calling on behalf of Geauga-Tel,” she said. “We’ve started a community interest show, and would like you to appear as a guest!”

My throat went dry. “Well,” I coughed. “What an honor! Thanks for asking!”

“It’s a discussion show,” she continued. “We call it ‘Hamglaze & Company.’ Each week, Carrie, our host, considers subjects of local interest with a panel of writers and celebrities.”

“Carrie?” I shouted. “Carrie the tennis coach?”

“Yes,” Meffler answered in a whisper.

“Carrie the teacher?” I repeated.

“Yes,” she said, patiently.

“Carrie from the council??” I said while fumbling my words.

“Yes, yes, yes!!” she said forcefully. “Your friend from Chardon. Will you join us, Rodney?”

I smiled. “Of course… of course! But, when did she get a television program? I’ve never heard of this before…”

“It has been on the air since early March,” she replied. “New viewers are tuning in every week. You can help us grow!”

My stomach filled with butterflies. Still, the opportunity was undeniably tempting. It would be a perfect way to become better acquainted with citizens across the county. “You can count on me, Kate. I’ll be there!”

* * * * * * * * * *

The Geauga-Tel studio was stuffy, and hot. Yet excitement filled the air. Conversation-bits flew wildly around our table. Suddenly, the director called out with authority in her voice. “Carrie! Here we go… five, four, three, two, one… we’re on the air!”

My famous friend looked regal in her red pantsuit and matching headwear. Her eyes glowed with Irish spirit. “Welcome friends, to Hamglaze & Company! Tonight, we have Stan Jelski, former chairman of the Geauga Republican Party; Kate Meffler, a long-time resident of Claridon, and staffer for Dennis Kucinich; and Rod Ice, columnist for the Geauga County Maple Leaf.”

The audience burst into applause.

Hamglaze cleared her throat, dramatically. “Issue One – Was the Maple Festival a success or failure this year? What say you, Mister Jell-O?”

The retired chairman grinned with embarrassment. His portly frame filled the video screen. “Well, Carrie, I’d say it was a success because we showed the strength of our faith and community values, once again!” His oiled, gray locks had already begun to loosen with sweat.

Our host nodded affirmation. “And what’s your spin on this, Cousin Kate?”

Meffler seemed to be embarrassed. Her dress was a rumpled, tie-dye garment dribbled with colors. “Well, I’d say it was a success because one more time, local residents came out despite the weather conditions! The people of Ohio will always overcome adversity, when we have a government that will ensure they are given a fair chance!”

There was a momentary pause while the cameras peered closer at our group.

“And what say you, Mister Iceberg?” Hamglaze squawked, at last.

I had nearly forgotten the question. “Well, I’d say…ummm…”

Hamglaze rapped her pen on the table, with disbelief. “The correct answer is – it was a success because of the maple goodies on sale throughout the weekend!”

The audience cheered, loudly.

“Issue Two!” our host bellowed. “What is the biggest story to happen in Geauga County since Y2K? What say you Lady Katie?”

Meffler adjusted her wire-rimmed glasses. “I think the attempt to paint a stack of pancakes on the water tower in Burton. It was shameless commercialism at its worst.”

Hamglaze chortled. “And what say you, Mister Peanut-Butter-and-Jelski?”

“I think it was the Ferguson sisters’ anti-drug cattle protest during weigh-ins for the upcoming county fair,” he observed. “We need more of our young citizens to speak out against this scourge of society!”

“And, Mister Ice Cube? What say you?” our host warbled.

“Well,” I began. “As a matter of fact…”

“The correct answer is the change in traffic patterns on the Chardon Square,” Hamglaze implored. “What a difference! It was long overdue!”

Again, the audience cheered vociferously.

Hamglaze looked deep into the camera. “Issue Three – What does the unruly presidential race of 2008 mean in Geauga County? What say you, Chairman Sure-Jell??”

Jelski coughed into his fist. “Well, Carrie, I’d say this shows how unstable the Democrat Party really is, in current terms. Can they be trusted to occupy The White House? I think all Geaugans need to consider that question, carefully.”

Our host scribbled on her notepad. “And what say you, Katie-Did?”

Meffler went red. “I think this is symptomatic of the divided America that George Bush has forged in the wake of his eight years in office. His failure has harmed all of us…”

Hamglaze pondered the reply. “And finally, Mister Freeze! What say you about Issue Three?”

I was determined not to be left out of the discussion. My eyes darted toward the camera. “Honestly, this raucous season has helped to revive belief in our democratic system. We’ve had real voters, all over the nation, expressing themselves openly. Taking a sincere interest in the race. Battling to defend their positions in the best American tradition of democracy. Voters have spoken from both sides of the political aisle in a way that does not simply rubber-stamp their party leaders’ preferences. I am glad to see such a boisterous contest for the nation’s highest office!”

Our host was pleased. “The correct answer is – LET THE PEOPLE BE HEARD!”

Jelski and Meffler frowned noticeably. But the audience responded with a standing ovation.

Hamglaze turned toward another camera. Her ending monologue was about to commence. The crowd fell silent with anticipation.

“Thanks so much for watching this poignant discussion,” she said, gratefully. “We are blessed to be able to have such conversations out in the open, where anyone can participate without fear of recrimination. Don’t forget to say a prayer for your leaders, here, in Columbus, and in Washington. And don’t forget to tune in next week, for a new episode of… HAMGLAZE & COMPANY!”

I was glad to be out of the spotlight, at last. My brief interlude of broadcasting fame had come to an end!

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