Sunday, March 02, 2008

“In the Shadow of Bubba Ho-Tep”

c. 2008 Rod Ice
All rights reserved

Note to readers: ‘Coast to Coast AM’ provides a wealth of controversial, yet entertaining radio fare. Guests are open about discussing wild conspiracy theories of all sorts. Yet such programming is powerfully able to influence subconscious thought. I experienced this again recently, after falling asleep during a ‘C to C’ broadcast…

Midnight came with a rush of stillness in the Icehouse home office.
There was no clear divide between waking consciousness and slumber as I nodded off in my chair. On a radio nearby, George Noory was busy with a guest who passionately discussed how the U. S. government had faked our lunar landings. But I couldn’t maintain focus. Oblivion tempted my surrender.

The workday was no more.

Suddenly, I heard another familiar voice. With thundering tones, each spoken word seemed to ricochet inside of my head until I felt dizzy, and exhausted.

It was the beginning of a cerebral flight through Dreamland…

ANNOUNCER: “Welcome… to Art Bell Theater!”

ART BELL: “Greetings to you, be it morning, noon, or night wherever you reside.
Tonight… we are going to engage in a bit of ‘remote viewing’ as part of our broadcast. Our story begins… in the City of Cleveland, Ohio. At a secret location, ranking members of the Democratic Party have gathered to consider their future… and find… consensus…”

The room echoes with anxious conversation.

HOWARD DEAN: (banging his gavel) “Friends and dignitaries, let me bring this meeting to order!”

HILLARY CLINTON: “Ssssh. Be quiet will you, Bill?”

BILL CLINTON: “I wasn’t the one complaining.”

MICHAEL MOORE: (looking groggy after a flight to Ohio from Europe) “What’s with the two of you? Pipe down!”

JOHN EDWARDS: (glancing sideways at the pair) “He’s right. We’ve got important business to discuss here – like how badly do you want my delegates??”

BILL – “Whine, whine, whine! All over a rented movie!”

HILLARY – “A terrible movie! It wasn’t a bit funny!”

MOORE – (startled) “A movie? One of mine??”

EDWARDS – (with a smile) “Easy, Mike. Go back to sleep.”

BILL – “Naw, it was a comedy. ‘Bubba Ho-Tep’ directed by Don Coscarelli.”

MOORE – (grinning) “Hey that was better than any of my stuff. What a film! It was a three-bagger!”

HILLARY – “A three-bagger?”

BILL – (knowingly) “Yeah, three bags of Cheetos!”

Both men laugh out loud.

HILLARY – (fuming) “Well, I couldn’t take it seriously. Elvis chasing an Egyptian spirit? That would have been enough. But an African-American John F. Kennedy? It isn’t believable!”

MOORE – (wide-eyed) “I’ll wager that Barack Obama would disagree with you…”

BILL – (trying not to giggle) “Aw Mike, shut up before she loses her temper!”

HILLARY – (with a sneer) “How dare you!”

DEAN – (swinging the gavel for emphasis) “Everyone! May we bring our session to order?”

BILL – “I wish they were serving snacks at this meeting. Some of those crunchy, orange cheese puffs would really hit the spot.”

EDWARDS – (flustered) “Isn’t one heart attack enough?”

DEAN – (trying to continue) “Friends, we’ve reached an important moment in the history of this party…”

HILLARY – (standing up, suddenly) “Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I gladly accept the nomination and promise that victory will be ours in November!”

BILL – (whispering with embarrassment) “Sit down, honey. He wasn’t talking to you!”

DEAN (clearing his throat) “Uhmm, as I was saying, this is an historic moment…”

EDWARDS – “It’ll take more than Cheetos to get my delegates! That’s all I’m going to say!”

MOORE – (covers his eyes) “I should’ve stayed in France.”

DEAN – “Today, we must make difficult choices. And plan for the future…”

BILL – (looking bored) “I’d like to plan getting a brew and some peanuts. Anybody with me on that?”

MOORE – (salivating) “Come on Howie, get to the point so we can break for refreshments!”

DEAN – “To win in the fall, we need a united effort. Every member of the team must be ready. And we’ve all got to use the same playbook…”

HILLARY – (standing up again) “Thank you, Mr. Dean! I am proud to be chosen as your candidate for the nation’s highest office!”

EDWARDS – “Sit down, will you? This isn’t a queen’s coronation.”

BILL – “Hey, watch your mouth, Johnny Boy!”

DEAN – “Everybody! Please!”

MOORE – “Howard is right. This is our best chance to take the White House in a long time. Let him finish!”

DEAN – (shuffling his notes) “The Republicans are in disarray. Their conservative base has been unimpressed with the 2008 field of candidates. So ‘true believers’ in the GOP have stayed home. As a result, John Mc Cain is their presumptive candidate. Everyone from Rush Limbaugh to Pat Buchanan is irritated about this situation.”

EDWARDS – (looking defiant) “They’ll get no sympathy from me!”

DEAN – (nodding) “Indeed! But we can’t squander this opportunity. We must win – here and now!”

HILLARY – (getting to her feet) “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I am ready to lead this nation, on day one!”

MOORE – (frowning) “You know, Mrs. C is right. It’s her turn. We had this decided years ago!”

DEAN – (bows his head) “Something amazing has happened in the primary season. A sort of groundswell like my parents saw in 1960. When time moves the nation, no one person can stand in the way…this might be the restless cry of a new generation coming of age…do we dare to deny the call of history?”

BILL – (shuddering) “Whew, who’s your speechwriter, Howie? I can whiff that bull from a mile away!”

HILLARY – “So, what is this… a ‘kiss off’ from the party?”

DEAN – “This contest isn’t over. But your opponent has done well across America. All we need to know is… that you’ll respect the process. No matter what it delivers.”

MOORE – (nods in agreement) “Well, he’s right. Obama is a ‘rock star.’”

BILL – “Dang it, the media used to hang that tag on me!”

EDWARDS – (sarcastically) “Your time has passed, Bubba Ho-Tep. Get over it.”

HILLARY – “Watch your mouth, junior!”

DEAN – “After everything we’ve done to prepare for 2008… it would be foolish to sacrifice our advantageous posture. I only need your pledge…”

MOORE – “Sure, I get it. Just play fair, right? C’mon, that isn’t a lot to ask. Whoever wins outright gets all the Cheetos. That’s fair.”

DEAN – “Well said. Promise us that you will be a good citizen of the Democratic Party…and that we can meet our challenges together.”

HILLARY – (with disbelief) “You mean, be a good loser?”

BILL – “We haven’t heard from the super-delegates yet. And there is still the issue of what to do about Michigan and Florida!”

DEAN – “That strategy would divide us at a crucial moment. Think about it! History would be your judge…”

HILLARY – (swearing under her breath) “This was my turn! Myyyyyyy turn!”

MOORE – “Don’t sweat it, Mrs. C. I’m working on a film about Dennis Kucinich. There’s a place for you on my team…”

BILL – “Dang it, Howie is right. Just say yes, honey!”

DEAN - (banging gavel) “So be it. This meeting is adjourned!”

EDWARDS – (shrugging) “Yesss! Let’s celebrate with a beer!”

BILL – “Okay!! I’ve still got the DVD of that movie in the limousine. It’s a weird one, I’ll tell you. Ossie Davis is a hum-dinger as JFK…”

DEAN – (with satisfaction) “What do you think, Hillary? A drink to seal our bargain?”

HILLARY – (pouting) “I think you can…kiss my Cheetos!”

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