"Always - Your County Offices"

c. 2007 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(6-07)


Note to readers: What follows here is a joke. Please don’t send snappy letters to the editor. You’ll give him a headache. And don’t try to order a sausage & bologna omelet in Burton. Thank you.

7:30 AM – I was still at the computer. It had been a long, sleepless night of pondering data and statistics. My intent seemed simple enough. I wanted to read through reports on relocation of Geauga County Government, and write a relevant news story. With groggy eyes, I flipped through a document from D. B. Hartt in Cleveland, for the seventh time. It was an exhaustive survey, prepared after a careful analysis of the situation:

"Within the last year the City became aware that the County was contemplating moving more of its offices and employees to the County owned land in Claridon Township. While it was uncertain as to the number of employees that might be relocated, or the timing of such move, would adversely affect the City from a variety of perspectives. Therefore, the purposes of this study are to: Assess the impacts of the potential reduction of County employees in Chardon; Identify preferred locations for new County facilities if they were to stay in Chardon; (and) Determine the type and level of assistance that Chardon might offer as an incentive for the County facilities to remain in the City."

My coffee tasted like mud. The pot had been on its warmer for several hours. I read through the thirty-eight pages of evidence until fatigue made the exercise pointless. Yet a new wrinkle on the story wouldn’t appear. Other journalists in the area had already quoted Geauga County Commissioners as saying that the idea was nothing more than speculation. No plan had been drafted. So what could I offer that might expand knowledge of the subject? Once more, I scanned the Hartt report conclusion for something new:

"From the preceding site evaluations it is most likely clear that D.B. Hartt considers the Chardon Square site preferable to any other option. Chardon Square is the only option that satisfies all of the City’s concerns and needs. The costs and potential obstacles may be greater, but the immediate and long-term benefits are significant. Conversely, there are significant negative prospects of not locating on the square. However, while our estimates found development costs for the square option would be measurably higher than those for a ‘greenfield’ site, the square option would not be significantly different from any other developed or partially developed site within the Old Chardon area of the City."

Suddenly, mental and visual focus returned. I’d been trying to weigh the issues involved on my own. A more logical approach would be better – talk to someone who represents the county! If nothing else, such an interview would provide intellectual contrast. I knew Chardon residents were likely to want the county to retain its presence within city borders. But what about average citizens from Middlefield, Hambden, Montville, Thompson, Chesterland, or Parkman? What would they prefer?

8:15 AM – By the time I arrived at Belle’s American Grille in Burton, Ezekiel Byler-Gregg was already busy with his special-order sausage & bologna omelet. My friend was a studious fellow, dependable for his ability to offer clear and unique opinions on nearly anything about Geauga. Named for a Mennonite grandfather that lived to the age of one-hundred-and-two, he was good-natured and ornery. Though lanky and bent from years of farm labor, Ezekiel achieved local fame writing for the bygone Burton Daily Bugle. His insight could not be surpassed.

I took a seat as he paused in between forkfuls of egg.

"Good morning, Rodney!" he said.

"How are you, Zeke?" I replied, rubbing my eyes.

He considered my exhaustion with curiosity. "Not sleeping well, my friend? You look like a beaten mule."

My face went red. "Thanks. I feel like one, too."

"So, what’s the matter?" he said, scratching his beard. "Why did you want to join me for breakfast instead of getting some shut-eye?"

I took a deep breath. "Zeke, I’m stuck on a story. My deadline is approaching. You’re a veteran reporter. What would you do?"

He smiled. "Get out of the office, for a start. Take a fresh look at things. Find yourself a new perspective."

I nodded. "Okay, that’s sound advice. Then what?"

"Ask questions. Different questions! Don’t get in a rut. Open the barn door and let those thoughts run free!"

"Okay,"

I agreed. "Then here’s a surprise quiz for you. Swing that door wide open! What’s the best way to serve the needs of our county? Save taxpayer money by putting new offices in Claridon, or keep things in Chardon where they’ve always been?"

Ezekiel dropped his fork. He sat upright, and narrowed his eyes.
I was confused. "Uhmm, did I touch a nerve there?"

Without warning, he began to laugh. "My friend, solving a problem by creating another is a fool’s strategy."

"So,"

I said, after ordering a fresh cup of java. "You’d decide to keep the county offices in Chardon?"

"On The Square? Where access is limited, and space is at a premium…?"

he said.

I was confused. "Well then… you think the county should relocate its headquarters?"
Ezekiel shook his graying head. "If there are two choices available to solve a problem, both of which are bad, then how do you decide?"

"Uhh, take the one that causes less harm?"

I said.

He groaned. "Horsefeathers! Think about the question. You choose to find another option!"
My composure was lost. "Okay! So what would you advise Geauga County to do with their offices?"

He laughed again. "Put them in a place easy for everyone to visit…and a spot where expansion can take place when needed, without tearing things down."

I shrugged my shoulders. "And where is that?"

He nearly shouted. "WAL-MART!"

Coffee spewed from my lips. "Whaaaaat??"

Ezekiel pounded his fist on the table. "Face it. Nearly everybody goes to Wal-Mart."
I protested. "Don’t say that!"

"No matter what opinion people have of the retailer, most citizens of the county shop there,"

he boasted. "It’s a given fact. Sooner or later, we all go to Wal-Mart. Some go proudly, and some go under the cover of darkness. Some go trembling. Some go out of economic need. Some go with naïve illusions. But we go. So while we’re there getting clothes, food, lawn ornaments, or tires for the car, why not conduct county business? It just makes sense."

I was speechless.

"Then, our officials can brag about the cost savings," he continued. "Just think of it! Get your printer paper, staples, and scotch tape on-site. Upgrade the county computers whenever you want – just walk across the sales floor for a new E-Machine with Microsoft Vista. No more wasteful driving to Office Depot. Gasoline is too expensive, after all!"

My mouth dropped open.

"Meetings could be held at the in-store Subway franchise," he implored. "Need a photo of the commissioners? Take it by the express checkout and have it printed in the photolab. Then everybody can take a break to buy T-shirts and pet food for home. Thunderation! Can you think of an easier way to get business done?"

I could barely breathe.

My friend returned to his omelet. "Wal-Mart isn’t going away. Customers won’t let them, no matter how much we complain. So let’s make the best of it! Put the ‘smiley face’ out front, and we’ll have as much room for the county offices as we need! Everybody can call it a win, and they’ll all be happy!"

My stomach was churning. "I don’t know, Zeke. I think… this is the craziest thing you’ve ever suggested. Have you been hitting the corn squeezings?"

"Read the words of company CEO Lee Scott,"

he snorted. "Wal-Mart calls it ‘Sustainability 360.’ They’re looking for direct engagement with associates, suppliers, communities, and customers. This would be the completion of that idea. Corporations control our destiny anyhow. Welcome to the future!"

I felt dizzy. "Somehow, I thought you’d take a more traditional view of this, Zeke. Wal-Mart doesn’t fit with plain living or reverence for tradition."

"Look, I may be old,"

he replied. "But I don’t have to think according to old rules! Neither do you, Rodney."

10:01 AM – I passed out after driving home. Fatigue and a wild-eyed friend were too much to endure!

7:09 PM - I was back at the computer, again. Writing assignments had kept me busy throughout the evening. But I still couldn’t quite finish the news story about potentially moving our county offices.

Ezekiel Byler-Gregg had made unique, unconventional observations, before. But this time, he must have been kidding…

Or was he??