“Happy iHolidays”

c. 2012 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(12-12)

Readers of this column know that sometimes, the subject matter contained herein can resonate with themes of outright fantasy, parody, or satire. Yet the most compelling stories seem to come from genuine events. Such was the case recently, when I received a surprising Christmas gift under our household tree – an Apple iPhone 5.

In personal terms, I have seemingly never been on the cutting edge of technology. My writing career began on a Royal KMM typewriter from the 1940’s. I was a late adopter of the Compact Disc, clinging to vinyl with passionate devotion. My last computer was ten years old before surrendering to electronic fatigue. And until the past weekend, I had never used a smartphone.

But that changed with a bit of Yuletide magic.

With the frenzy of holiday sales spreading across Geauga, one of our prosperous mega-retailers offered a deal on the most modern Apple iPhone that was insanely attractive. After months of pondering a replacement for my aging LG EnV2, I surrendered. Santa (in family form) insisted on giving this incredible wireless tool as a Christmas gift.

So with that single act of benevolence, I joined the modern age.

On Christmas Eve, I used the device to take photos at the Lutheran church where my niece is pastoral resident. It documented her service with technological proficiency.

Then, Christmas Day arrived with a kind of rapid connectivity that I had never known. Using the Facebook app, I sent posts about drinking coffee, cleaning the house, wrapping presents, taking a last-minute gift to my neighbors, and getting on the road.

I visited the Chardon post office, then roamed around the square taking pictures.

In Hambden, I gathered with family members to celebrate the birth of Christ, arrival of Santa Claus, and other beloved traditions. This was accomplished with due reverence to the late Steve Jobs, while facing Cupertino, California.

My sister was fascinated when I produced the new iPhone, after unwrapping presents. I demonstrated the various features it offered, including maps, weather conditions, text messaging, Internet access, photography, video functions, music downloads and sports scores.

She nodded her head in approval, while offering a gift of jowl bacon from an ethnic store in Cleveland, and a SPAM calendar bought from Amazon.

Then, it was time to roam. Savoring the quiet of this special day, I paused at the bank to check my account, before wandering.

A favored personal tradition has become, after celebrating the day, to drive around town while enjoying the holiday quiet. I took a tour of the city, listening to festive tunes on WMJI 105.7 FM. Up Court Street, around the square, and into a parking space.

Surrounded by peaceful vibes, I walked across this oasis. Seasonal lights flickered, meaningfully. Window displays shimmered in the distance. A Christmas train spun its colorful wheels with motionless energy. The Grinch stood guard on sidewalk duty. Santa’s mailbox beckoned for late submissions.

I checked weather alerts while standing across from the gazebo. With GPS authority, it noted my location and provided corresponding information. The iPhone intuitively sensed each move that I was making.

Finally, I retreated to my vehicle. Inspiration was arriving, rapidly. With the “notes” feature on my phone, I began to compose a faux country-music tune that seemed destined to become a YouTube video:

(One)

Android phones are like dog bones

You’ll find them everywhere

Windows 8 on a tablet slate

Nobody seems to care

Thank you, Mister Apple

For your technology

Virtual maps, a million apps

Pretty things to see

Got a pickup truck

I’m down on my luck

Yes, I’m stuck here in the dark

But I’ve got the only iPhone

In the trailer park

(Two)

Blind dates with Bill Gates

Won’t get you far my friend

Blackberries in the trees

Mean nothing in the end

Typing on a Jitterbug

Like a senior texting fool

Will only leave you wishing

For a hotspot in the cool

Got a pickup truck

I’m down on my luck

Yes, I’m stuck here in the dark

But I’ve got the only iPhone

In the trailer park

(Three)

Thank you Mister Apple

For bringing us the world

A wireless cornucopia

For every boy and girl

The finest Kyoceras

Don’t have a prayer today

Try LG and ZTE

You’ll be comin’ back to me

Got a pickup truck

I’m down on my luck

Yes, I’m stuck here in the dark

But I’ve got the only iPhone

In the trailer park

With my composition complete, I drove down the hill again to the local Get Go, for a cup of coffee. The beverage bolstered my stamina enough to make my final journey home to Thompson.

It had been a happy holiday. Now it was time to embrace the night.

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