Tuesday, November 27, 2012

“CARS – After Election Day”

c. 2012 Rod Ice
All rights reserved

Note to Readers: At a secret location deep in Geauga County, leaders of America’s auto industry meet to discuss their business away from the harsh light of public criticism. Involved are unsuccessful presidential candidate Governor Mitt Romney, General Motors, Henry Ford XVI, and Antonio Chrysler. Following a boisterous meet-and-greet session, the participants come to order:

MITT ROMNEY – “Friends, I would like to welcome you to Geauga County, Ohio. As you know, my late father was chairman of American Motors Corporation. So I feel a great fondness for the automobile industry. Now that my political career is over, and Americans have chosen the future direction of this great nation, I have decided to return to my roots. That is why all of you were invited to this place.”
GENERAL MOTORS – “Ten hut! I gotta say we are all sorry you lost on Election Day, sir.”
HENRY FORD XVI – “I’ll second that.”
ANTONIO CHRYSLER – “Heyy, I’m confused. President Obama bailed us out. So why you feelin’ bad about Romney going down to defeat?”
G. MOTORS – “Show some respect, pilgrim!”
FORD XVI – “Right on. Give Mitt a break, Tony. He is one of us.”
M. ROMNEY – “In the years ahead, we face great challenges. Vehicles from Japan and South Korea have flooded our market. Now India and China loom on the horizon. I am reminded of the courage it took my dad to introduce cutting-edge designs like the Hornet, Gremlin and Pacer…”
A. CHRYSLER – “Cutting-edge? Hahaha, fuggedaboudit! Nobody wanted those cars!”
FORD XVI – “I think you’re an expert at building vehicles nobody wants, Tony.”
G. MOTORS – “He’s got you there. ‘Buy a car, get a check’ – what a slogan!”
A. CHRYSLER – “Stop with the nonsense! I’m gonna lose my temper.”
M. ROMNEY – “Gentlemen! We are here to discuss the future, not argue about the past.”
G. MOTORS – “The governor is right. Let’s talk about strategy, grunts!”
FORD XVI – “I’m listening…”
M. ROMNEY – “We need a bit of old-fashioned entrepreneurship in this industry.  An outlook that gives us hope for a new day.”
A. CHRYSLER – “Heyy, that hope and change thing was the other goomba’s schtick, ya know? Better think of something different.”
G. MOTORS – “Unfortunately, he’s right, commandante.”
M. ROMNEY – “Hear me out! We need a new vision. A plan to revitalize the industry…”
A. CHRYSLER – “Hoo boy, your big ideas didn’t do so well on Election Day. What makes you think it’ll be different now?”
FORD XVI – “Yes, governor. What will give you the winning edge in business?”
M. ROMNEY – “Dad had the ability to look forward, across the market. I want to do the same. In 1970, the Gremlin made a lot of sense. Today, it makes even more.”
A. CHRYSLER – “Huh? The Gremlin, you say??”
G. MOTORS – “Ten hut! I can’t march to that drumbeat, sir.”
M. ROMNEY – “Gentlemen, what I propose is that we re-introduce the AMC Gremlin.”
FORD XVI – “I think you have traumatic post-election fatigue.”
M. ROMNEY – “Not at all. President Obama won because a majority of voters believed that he truly wanted to better their plight. Well, by bringing back the Gremlin, we could make that same kind of connection with everyday Americans.”
A. CHRYSLER – “Heyy, that’s just crazy.”
FORD XVI – “What’s next, having Tony create a new K-Car?”
G. MOTORS – “Well, soldier, he already has a reborn Dodge Dart!”
A. CHRYSLER – “Quit pickin’ on my K-Cars!”
FORD XVI – “Face it Tony, they were junk.”
M. ROMNEY – “Gentlemen, let’s quit arguing and start planning for the future!”
G. MOTORS – “Okay, the governor is right.”
FORD XVI – “So, who would build this new Gremlin?”
M. ROMNEY – “President Obama acted to save the industry. I think his next step should be to revive AMC. As chairman, I would be glad to oversee the operation…”
A. CHRYSLER – “But, ain’t that more competition for us?”
M. ROMNEY – “Since we’re all owned by the government, except for Ford, it doesn’t really matter.”
FORD XVI – “I still make money the old-fashioned way, by selling products in the free market.”
G. MOTORS – “I’ll make a buck any way I can get it, pilgrim!”
A. CHRYSLER – “That’s the ticket, I tell ya! Give me all the bailouts I can get!”
M. ROMNEY – “AMC would help put people back to work, and could focus on fuel-efficient vehicles.”
FORD XVI – “Wasn’t that the idea with Saturn?”
G. MOTORS – “Settle down, grunt. It worked for a few years.”
A. CHRYSLER – “Whaat, you don’t sound like a free-market guy now. What happened to ‘change on day one?’”
M. ROMNEY – “Gentlemen, we’ve got to make it any way we can. The people have spoken. Socialism yes, old-school capitalism, no. Go with it!”
FORD XVI – “I am shocked, governor!”
G. MOTORS – “Well, I am good with working for the government. Been takin’ orders from upstairs all my life.”
M. ROMNEY – “That’s the spirit!”
FORD XVI – “No, no, no. I have to disagree. This isn’t America.”
A. CHRYSLER – “It is now, paisano!”
G. MOTORS – “Get on the bandwagon, Henry! There’s lots more money where the stimulus came from!”
FORD XVI – “Nooooooooooo!”
M. ROMNEY – “Repeat after me! Gremlin! Gremlin! Gremlin!”
G. MOTORS – “Gremlin!”
A. CHRYSLER – “Gremlinnnnn!”
FORD XVI – “I am going home to Detroit. See you all in bankruptcy court!”
G. MOTORS – “There’s no bankruptcy any more, pilgrim. Just more taxpayer money!”
M. ROMNEY – “This meeting is adjourned!”

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