“Stovetop Ingenuity”

c. 2009 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(3-09)




Note to Readers: What follows here is a mini-cookbook of sorts, for the ‘Bailout Era.’ We have all begun to look backward across history, in search of wisdom from those who survived this nation’s ‘Great Depression.’ Offered here is perhaps the most basic form of coping with a diminished economy – old fashioned stovetop ingenuity.

Tough economic times have Americans at all income levels struggling to reduce their household expenditures. But while there are many strategies to achieve this goal, one change seems to work best for modern, on-the-go families… a shift back to the lost art of cooking at home!

Recent generations seemed to jettison this time-intensive ritual in favor of fast food, microwave specialties, or restaurant fare. Yet world wide financial chaos has made such alternatives less attractive.

Suddenly, the luster of bygone thriftiness has returned.

In the Icehouse, old-fashioned cooking has never been out of favor. Here, creating meals is equal to writing poetry or composing music. Each of us learned to work in the kitchen as part of personal development. Yet our culinary outlook has a tilt toward experimentation. The family cookbook continues to grow as these new creations are added, one at a time.

Below are a few of the most recent examples of this march toward amateur chefhood:

FOWLER'S PIE (A variation on the classic British dish 'Shepherd's Pie')

Ingredients:
1/2 of a large onion
1 lb of ground turkey
2 tablespoons of flour
1 tablespoon of horseradish cocktail sauce
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce
1 cup of water
2 chicken bouillon cubes
1 pkg herb & butter mashed potato mix
1 tablespoon of butter
1 16 oz. package of frozen mixed vegetables

Directions:
Prepare mixed vegetables as indicated on package, set aside.
Prepare mashed potatoes as indicated on package, set aside.
In large skillet, sauté onions. Add meat and brown. Add cocktail sauce, Worcestershire sauce, butter, bouillon cubes, and water. Stir together over medium heat until bouillon is dissolved. Add flour and stir again. Simmer on low heat for 15 minutes. Add mixed vegetables. In a medium baking dish, place mixture of meat and vegetables. Spoon mashed potatoes over this layer. Top with shredded cheese.
Bake for 20 minutes at 375 degrees F. Let finished product cool slightly before serving.

PEPPERONI BEER BREAD

Ingredients:
12 oz. beer
3 cups self-rising flour
3 tbsp. sugar
3 oz. pkg. sliced pepperoni
Shredded cheese (for topping)
1 pat of butter (melted)

Directions:
Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl; add pepperoni slices, then beer. Stir mixture together and press onto a pizza pan or baking stone. Pat with extra flour. Brush lightly with melted butter. Add shredded cheese, enough to cover top of bread. Bake at 350F 40-45 minutes. Bread will be crunchy on the outside and chewy on the inside. A great appetizer for parties!

RAMEN NOODLE OMELET

Ingredients:
3 eggs
1 pkg. Ramen noodles
¼ cup milk or half & half
¼ cup shredded cheese
Spices (pepper, curry powder, etc.)
Soy sauce

Directions:
Prepare noodles as directed, drain water. Stir in spice packet. In a separate bowl, whisk eggs with milk. Add extra spices, Soy Sauce and cheese. Mix these together with noodles until cheese is melted and ingredients are evenly combined. Fry on each side until golden brown. Enjoy!

CURRIED VEGETABLE RICE

Ingredients:
1 cup white rice
1 medium onion (chopped)
1 stalk celery (chopped)
1 large carrot (chopped)
2 eggs
Curry powder (to taste)
Cayenne pepper (optional)
Olive oil

Directions:

Prepare rice as directed, set aside. Whisk eggs in a bowl, set these aside. Heat oil in a large skillet. Sauté onion, celery and carrot. Add rice, then lots of curry and pepper, as desired. Fry mixture while adding eggs. Stir until evenly distributed. Cook until lightly browned. Note: let taste be your guide. Use curry in proportion to your own desire for flavor!

DEEP-FRIED VIENNA SAUSAGES & CHIPS

Ingredients:
2 cans of Vienna sausages
2 eggs
Fry mix for fish or chicken
Potatoes cut into thick slices
Spices (like pepper, chili powder and garlic powder)

Directions:
Heat oil in deep fryer to 400 degrees. In one bowl, whisk eggs together. In a separate bowl, pour fry mix. Dip sausages into eggs, then roll in fry mix. They should be generously coated. Drop into hot oil and fry gently. Be careful not to over-cook. Place on a plate with paper towels to cool. Then, fry potato slices while oil is still hot. After cooking, sprinkle them with spices. Serve together. This might be an unhealthy treat, but it is very satisfying!

CHICKEN OLIO

Ingredients:
2 chicken breasts, cut into small pieces
2 15 oz. cans of diced tomatoes
1 green pepper (chopped)
1 medium onion (chopped)
1 15 oz. can of large black olives (cut in halves)
½ cup (approximately) of sliced mushrooms
Olive oil
Oregano or Italian seasoning (to taste)
Parmesan cheese
16 oz. pkg. of thin spaghetti

Directions:
Using a large skillet, fry chicken in olive oil. Add extra olive oil as needed, with tomatoes, green pepper, onion, olives, mushrooms and oregano. Simmer over low heat. Prepare pasta as directed. Spoon mixture over pasta and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.

SPAM PLANKS AND EGGS

Ingredients:
1 can (12 oz.) of SPAM, cut into thick slices
5 eggs
Fry mix
1 small onion, chopped
½ green bell pepper
Oil
Shredded cheese (to taste)

Directions:
Whisk 2 eggs in a bowl. Pour fry mix in a separate bowl. Dip SPAM into eggs, then into fry mix. They should be liberally coated. Fry in large skillet until golden brown on both sides. Set aside. Sauté onion and pepper, add remaining three eggs and scramble together with shredded cheese. Serve with hot SPAM planks.

FRIED PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH

Ingredients:
2 slices of bread
Peanut butter
Cinnamon & sugar
Butter
Maple syrup
Oil
Chocolate chips, powdered sugar, whipped cream (optional)

Directions:
Make a sandwich with bread and peanut butter, including cinnamon & sugar added inside. Generously spread outsides with butter. Fry on medium heat. When golden brown, put on serving plate and cover with syrup. If desired, garnish with toppings for extra flavor.

Our household kitchen remains a place of innovation, drama, and occasional bouts of lost direction. We continue to thrive here, on the promise of improvised edibles. Bailout woes have no power greater than our faith in a satisfying plate of vittles.
Though some of our dishes may be impulsive in nature, they will never be… boring.

Comments about Thoughts At Large may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com
Visit us at: www.thoughtsatlarge.com

“Project: Bel Air”

c. 2009 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(3-09)




Note to Readers: What follows here is a one-act play. After repeated attempts to save the domestic automobile industry, President Barack Obama has embraced a new sort of ‘change’ by sending leaders of the three major companies to a clandestine rendezvous with his friend and supporter, Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson.

THE SETTING – A secret boardroom in northeastern Ohio.

THE PARTICIPANTS – Mayor Frank Jackson; WTAM radio host Mike Trivisonno; Corporal (formerly General) Motors; Henry Ford XVI; Walter Cerberus Chrysler.

Folders and notebooks are shuffled as the group assembles around a long conference table. Their mood is strained. No one seems happy about attending the brainstorming exercise. But the government has demanded their participation.

MAYOR JACKSON – “Welcome, everybody. I’m glad to have you all here on the shore of Lake Erie. I won’t surprise anybody by saying that your situation is desperate. But Mr. Obama wanted me to arrange one more meeting where everyone could talk out their problems. And I understand ‘problems’ very well. So let me begin by saying… welcome to Cleveland!”

Polite applause echoes around the room.

WALTER CERBERUS CHRYSLER – “At least this was less of a drive than going to Washington, D.C.”

HENRY FORD XVI – “Yeah, even one of your ‘K-Cars’ could run this far!”

W. CHRYSLER – “Shut up, Pinto boy!!”

MAYOR J. – “Gentlemen! Let’s get ourselves back to the subject at hand. I want to introduce you to someone who really understands how folks feel about the bailout… and American cars… the blue-collar king of Cleveland, ‘TRIV!’”

EVERYONE – (In unison) “Who??”

MIKE TRVISONNO – (Grumbling) “Okay, okay, gimmie a break, will you? This is the first hour of our discussion. We’re here to help you’se guys figure out your mess, so bada-bing! Let’s get started. But first, help yourself to the calamari from my son’s Italian restaurant.”

CORPORAL M. – “Ten hut! Never mind the grub. This industry is in trouble. Let’s get down to business, men.”

FORD XVI – (Filling a plate with delicious edibles) “Say, what happened to your rank, General? Uhhh… I mean, Corporal?”

W. CHRYSLER – (As his mouth waters) “Yeah, did you finally get demoted, old soldier?”

CORPORAL M. – “At ease, Pilgrim! I took a hit after we burned through the first ration of bailout money. Uncle Sam wasn’t too happy with that. But I’ll bounce back before you can say ‘howitzer’ - trust me!”

FORD XVI – (With a grin) “So… the president ran out of patience with you?”

C. MOTORS – “Not even a little bit! He loved that Cadillac limousine we spec’d out for him. That thing is built like a tank. And we darn well know our tanks!”

FORD XVI – “Not to mention how to hold out your hand for corporate welfare…”

W. CHRYSLER – “Pipe down, Ford! Quit being so high and mighty!”

FORD XVI – “Wally, you’re no better than the Corporal. In six months, you’ll be building toy Matchbox cars. Or Hot Wheels. Give it up!”

M. TRIVISONNO – “Hey, cool it, will you’se guys? I’m trying to help!”

MAYOR J. – “Gentlemen. We know we have a problem. We just need to do something about it…”

M. TRIVISONNO – (Laughing) “The Mayor is right. Cleveland has been through a tough run of luck in the last few years. National City was bought out by PNC Bank, our Browns self-destructed again, and the Medical Mart project is bogged down. But we’ve stayed on the air by believin’ in ourselves. We are gonna do whatever it takes to be a winner. That’s how you need to think.”

CORPORAL M. – “You make it sound easy, grunt!”

W. CHRYSLER – “Yeah! Talk is cheap, unlike our UAW contract!”

M. TRIVISONNO – “Hey, your executives don’t work for minimum wage. Ain’t it their fault, too? Everybody can share the blame.”

FORD XVI – “Triv is right, Wally. You’ve got to quit complaining and get on the team! Win or lose, we do it together.”

MAYOR J. – “That’s it. When we win, everybody’s happy. When we lose, everybody’s sad…it’s time to get happy again!”

M. TRIVISONNO – “You guys gotta quit feelin’ sorry for yourselves. So the market took a dump on you… fuggedaboutit! I’ve had weeks like that. But on Monday, I always went back to the fundamentals of radio. That’s worked every time. It’s how I got 432 number-one ratings books.”

W. CHRYSLER – “Look, Mr. Triveysano… you’re a good talker. But we need more than words to cover our corporate budget.”

CORPORAL M. – “Sir, yes sir! We need a Hummer full of cash, not more chin music!”

MAYOR J. – “You’re worse than the city council. Give Trivisonno a chance!”

M. TRIVISONNO – “A wise man once said ‘give the people what they want.’ So think about it… why did people like your cars so much in the Golden Era?”

W. CHRYSLER – “Well, the Japanese weren’t over here, for one thing…”

M. TRIVISONNO – “You are missin’ the point! Think about it!!”

CORPORAL M. – “Ummm… well, soldier, my cars had style in those days. Chrome, tailfins, dual exhausts, racing stripes, all the bells and whistles. Nobody ever got a ’57 Bel Air confused with a Volkswagen!”

FORD XVI – “Cars were like rolling sculptures in those days. Now everything looks like an egg on steroids.”

M. TRIVISONNO – “Right!! That’s it. Cars today look like blobs of mozzarella. Nothing is distinctive. But show any paisano your ’57 Bel Air, and they’ll still be impressed. Ba-da-BING! You’re ready to cruise through Vegas! Even Joe or Judy Whatchamacallit could feel like a star driving one of those things!”

CORPORAL M. – “So, what are you saying, grunt?”

W. CHRYSLER – “Quit building blobs of mozzarella?”

M. TRIVISONNO – “Trust me when I tell you. The Koreans can sell boring cars. The Japanese can sell generic cars. The Germans can sell stuff from the wind tunnel. But American car buyers want an AMERICAN car. A Monte Carlo. A Grand Prix. An Eldorado. Heyy, look at how the throwback Ford Mustang is selling. And the Dodge Challenger. Now you’ve got a Camaro comin’ out that looks like the old days. Wake up, people! If you built fun cars again, the government wouldn’t have to bail your butts out of bankruptcy!”

The group falls silent.

FORD XVI – “You’re making a lot of sense.”

CORPORAL M. – “Thunderation! The battle plan was right under our noses. We need to build ‘classic cars’ again!”

W. CHRYSLER – “Triveysano, I think you really are the King of Cleveland after all!”

MAYOR J. – “Congratulations, Triv. You’ve won them over!”

FORD XVI – “When we make our next trip to Washington D.C., we’ll lay out our plan for the leaders in Congress. It’s time to build American cars again… REAL American cars!”

C. MOTORS – “Call it ‘Project: Bel Air’ and I’m on board, troops!”

EVERYONE – “Agreed! Let’s hit the ground running!”

POSTSCRIPT – Project: Bel Air was launched shortly after the meeting in Cleveland. Sales for the ‘Big Three’ experienced a dramatic rise once these new models were introduced. Meanwhile, Honda, Toyota, and the rest began to disappear into a black hole of post-recession oblivion. Once again, tailfins were all the rage in Detroit!

Comments about Thoughts At Large may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com
Visit us at: www.thoughtsatlarge.com

I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING

Okay, this vintage LP was on my mind this morning.

The Professionals were a group that featured Paul Cook and Steve Jones right after their exit from the tumultuous Sex Pistols.

It took ages for this release to appear, mainly because the original LP was scrapped and redone. Though polished and produced with expert skill, I much prefer the earlier Profs album, which was released later:



It features many of the same tunes, but played more aggressively, with less studio overkill.

My favorite track? "KAMIKAZE" of course!

“Stand By For News!”

c. 2009 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(3-09)




It was a lonely Saturday evening at the Icehouse.

I had been at the computer since morning, doing research for an upcoming newspaper series. My task was to compare the nutritional value of pork rinds with the cowboy-era dietary staple known as ‘hardtack.’ It was a plodding, difficult task. I struggled to bring humor to this eclectic subject.

When my wife arrived home, suddenly, it created a welcome break in the routine.

Liz had endured a long day of helping with family duties. So after spilling onto our couch, she lay panting for her breath. Her pink jumpsuit was uncharacteristically ruffled, and muddy. She would move no farther.

I pasted a kiss on her forehead.

“Could you make a pot of coffee?” she pleaded.

“Of course,” I replied. “Do I dare… ask about your day?”

She yawned like a cat. “I did Grandma’s shopping, then ran everything to her apartment, and did some cleaning. Soccer Fairy wanted to have a sleepover with Amily and Minda, so I took her to their Aunt’s house, where everyone was meeting for dinner. By the time I finished my workout at Fit-Femme, it was after sunset. I breezed through Mickey D’s on the way home…”

“Doesn’t that defeat the effect of doing exercises?” I pondered out loud.

She frowned. “I suppose. There just wasn’t time to eat. I forgot…”

I grinned with embarrassment, while patting my belly. “That’s just not something I do, unfortunately!”

Without warning, Liz covered her eyes. “The pharmacy! I forgot to get Grandma’s blood pressure meds!”

“Not a problem,” I laughed. “A diversion from writing would be fantastic.”

“Ohhh… I just need a couch-nap,” she whispered. “My eyes are burning…”

“Relax,” I said. “Let me run into town and then we can have that pot of Java after you’ve rested up a bit.”

My wife closed her eyes. “Thank you, Rodney…”

I left quietly, while she began to snore.

Peeking stars in the night sky seemed to watch as I pulled away. The dashboard radio in my truck crackled with local basketball games, but I was hoping that a distant station might provide conversational companionship for the drive. Briefly, WSM-650 in Nashville offered a taste of old-time entertainment. Then, an unfamiliar point on the dial appeared. I skipped forward to WGN-720 in Chicago. An ABC network special broadcast was underway. I chilled as the announcer spoke, dramatically:

“Tonight… we are remembering radio legend Paul Harvey…”

It comprised a sweetly ironic moment. So often in past years, I had listened to ‘News and Comment’ or ‘The Rest of the Story’ while traveling. His voice always seemed most effective when enjoyed over an automobile loudspeaker.

Now, I was hearing of his passing in the same manner, while on the road to Chardon.

On-air personality Nick Digilio followed the tribute. He interviewed a variety of other station employees who had been privileged to work with the iconic broadcaster. Each individual touched on Harvey’s durability and stamina as a unique part of wireless folklore.

Eventually, WGN Vice President and General Manager Tom Langmyer added his own remembrance to the memorial:

“America has lost an important icon. Paul Harvey was one of the greatest broadcasters of all time. He wove stories of life together in a way that will never be matched. He provided inspiration to countless journalists and broadcasters and touched millions by connecting in a way that was not only informative, but also creative and unique. Paul and the love of his life, Angel, are now together. We were lucky to have had him in our lives.”

With the geography of Geauga passing my windshield, I considered my own connection to this celebrated newsman. In January of 2006, I had written a letter in the hope that I might encourage him to reconsider the affection he seemed to feel for a certain retail giant from Bentonville, Arkansas:

TO: Paul Harvey, ABC RADIO Networks

“Dear Mr. Harvey, I have long been a fan of your radio broadcasts. Like many Americans, I place in you a level of trust reserved for a very few public personalities. To say that in radio terms you have equaled the stamina and credibility of Walter Cronkite would not be an exaggeration. You are a durable benchmark for the entire industry. Yet listening to your programs is troubling because of a simple habit – your loving praise of Wal-Mart…”

Following the mood of many county residents, I felt unsure about how this mega-business would impact our local economy. Because I worked as a retail manager at the time, this uneasiness was magnified. Yet in the column that developed from my personal note, I included a plot twist of sorts:

“My letter served to express personal opinions with clarity. Yet the original problem remained. What was the formula to compete with Wal-Mart? Ironically, the best advice seemed to come from Sam Walton himself.
‘Swim upstream. Go the other way. Ignore the conventional wisdom. If everybody is doing it one way, there’s a good chance you can find your niche by going exactly in the opposite direction.’
I imagined Harvey on the radio, intoning these words.
‘Yyyes, the answer to dealing with Wallll-Mmmart, comes from… (dramatic pause) Mr. Sam, himself! The final rule in his Ten Principles of Operation provides the secret. Now there’s a bit of advice any shopkeeper could take to heart!’
This is Rod Ice… Good day!”

My writing exercise reflected mixed feelings that continued to reverberate as the store opened for business in our county’s capitol city. Like neighbors and friends, I often wished that the ‘big box’ operator would stay out of town. Yet, as many of these same citizens came seeking affordable consumer goods closer to home, so did I. Not with a sense of loyalty, but motivated by common need.

It was the sort of human dichotomy between promise and practice that I reckoned a seasoned fellow like Harvey would understand.

Even after my errand had been completed, Liz remained asleep on the couch. I tiptoed back to our home office, and looked up WGN on the Internet. Still tingling with sadness and awe, I sent a message to Mr. Digilio. Cyberspace articles had already begun to multiply. A groundswell of emotion was building. Words from Paul Harvey, Jr. seemed to cap this outpouring of love and respect with honest emotion:

"My father and mother created from thin air what one day became radio and television news. So in the past year, an industry has lost its godparents and today millions have lost a friend."

The day ended as it had begun. I sat in front of the computer while stray breaths of winter echoed from outside. It was a perfect time to write… and remember.

PAUL HARVEY AURANDT 1918-2009.

Comments about ‘Thoughts At Large’ may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com
Visit us at: www.thoughtsatlarge.com

JUNKYARD EXPLORER: DESERTED PAINESVILLE TOPS STORE

When I lived in Painesville, the Finast supermarket was my favorite place to find groceries. This store, a former Pick 'n' Pay, was located on Mentor Avenue. Eventually, the company decided to build a new, larger location next door - and it proved to be a very profitable improvement over the old building.

But when parent company Royal Ahold of the Netherlands decided to merge these Cleveland stores into the New York 'Tops' chain, a reversal of fortune occurred. Sales plummeted, and Giant Eagle moved into the market, buying out Rini-Rego Stop 'n' Shop. The result was devastating. Barely a decade after opening, this food emporium closed forever. But the shell remains, bearing testimony to past glory...


Finast opened this new location in the mid-90's - at one time it was the busiest store in town. I shopped here frequently while living on Chestnut Street.



Tops failed miserably in northeastern Ohio.



Peering into the closed store... an eerie view, indeed.



Another view of the front doors.




The old entrance sign waits for renewed purpose on Mentor Avenue.




This stray sign was in the Tops parking lot.

Roadside Can Review

A recent errand had me driving across gravel roads in the heart of Ashtabula County. Because of the early hour, morning sunshine made my trip a narrow-eyed adventure. I seemed to be hallucinating... a trail of beer cans stretched toward the horizon... teetering on tree branches still naked in the fading days of winter. It was a surreal image, like something conjured up by a protege of Salvador Dali... but then I realized that the path of garbage was very real. And I began to smile:


Pabst Blue Ribbon beer... still a favorite from coast to coast




Miller and Bud... present at any youth drinking event




Snyder potato chips... a perfect snack for roadside parties




Doesn't everyone drink Miller Lite?




A Shur-fine mixed nuts can... further evidence that those involved were health-conscious and didn't want to drink on an empty stomach




Cans raised to the sky... like a modern interpretation of an old native ritual




A Taco Bell soft drink... for the 'Designated Driver?'



In yonder days, we were careful not to leave evidence behind when staging this kind of impromptu party in the hinterland. Still, the artful nature of this garbage row was appealing. It demonstrated that despite technical innovations like video games and cyberspace, simple pleasures still retain their appeal.

“Spam Solicitations, Continued”

c. 2009 Rod Ice
All rights reserved
(2-09)




Late last year, I wrote about my online interaction with Barrister Bhag Sulaiman of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. This elusive lawyer sent a ‘spam’ solicitation that was intended to gain my trust for a bogus money scheme. Briefly, I traded e-mail messages with the fellow, in the hope that he would send some sort of fictitious identification that could be used in our newspaper. After some prodding, he gifted me with a poorly faked passport. It provided a perfect visual for my column about his devious actions.

After we parted company, other dubious offers continued to arrive in my ‘Thoughts At Large’ account. Yet they paled by comparison. Each proposal lacked the sort of flair displayed by Mr. Sulaiman:

“Hello, I am a civil lawyer. I have a client that wishes to invest her financial estate in your country; can you be of assistance as a partner? If you can, then kindly respond to this email. I will give more details when you reply. If you are not interested please do not reply back. This transaction will demand absolute secrecy from you.”

- Braham Rawlinson

Not only were these offers brief and unappealing, but they also seemed to have been written without much faith in their likelihood of being taken seriously. After reading about many adventures in con-artistry on the Internet, these lukewarm advances came as a disappointment. But I reckoned that even such foreign criminals were vulnerable to fatigue. Their lack of enthusiasm grew as the stream of ‘spam’ continued:

“Your email address as indicated was drawn and attached with serial
numbers FTS/8070337201/06 and drew the lucky numbers 15-22-24-48-50-37(30) which subsequently won you 1,000,000.00 (One Million Great Britain Pounds) from the U.K FREE PROMO The draws registered as Draw number one was conducted in Brockley, London United Kingdom on the 23rd February 2009. Find below the details of the Claims Agent and contact him with the following details for verifications. FULLNAME, FULLADDRESS, NATIONALITY, AGE, OCCUPATION, MOBILE/TELEPHONE NUMBER, DATE OFWINNING AWARD, SEX, TOTAL AMOUNT WON, SERIAL/LUCKY NUMBERS.”

- Mrs. Rita Shawn UK Promo Announcer

Still, after a couple of months had passed, the work of more talented scammers began to fill my e-mail account once more. A series of prolific proposals popped up, with the same sort of sneakiness that Bhag Sulaiman had sent, rendered in comically bad English:

“DEAR FRIEND, I KNOW THAT THIS EMAIL WILL BE A BIG SURPRISE TO YOU, BUT I WANT YOU TO CALM DOWN AND READ VERY CAREFULLY. I HAVE A BUSINESS WHICH WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US. THE AMOUNT OF MONEY INVOLVED IS ($ 15,200.000.00 FITEEN MILLION TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS) WHICH I WANT TO TRANSFER OUT OF THE COUNTRY TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, ALL TO MY FINANCIAL BENEFIT AND YOURS TOO. AND ALSO TO TAKE MY WIFE ABROAD FOR TREATMENT OF LIVER DAMAGE. THIS MONEY IS OWNED BY A MAN CALLED JIN SUN, A BUSINESS COMMERCIALIST IN WEST-AFRICAN REGIONS. HE HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE SIX YEARS AGO AND SINCE THEN, NO CLAIM HAS BEEN PLACED ON HIS BANK ACCOUNT BALANCE… SUCH FUND CANNOT BE TRANSFERRED WITHOUT A NEXT OF KIN ATTACHED TO THE FUND… YOU SHALL PRESENT YOURSELF AS A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE TO THE DECEASED PERSON [JIN SUN] AS DETAILS SHALL BE THAT YOU ARE THE CARE-TAKER BUSINESS ASSOCIATE TO MR. JIN SUN AND HIS PROPERTIES. I SHALL MAKE AVAILABLE TO YOU MATERIALS AND INFORMATION WITH WHICH A SUCCESSFUL CLAIM SHALL BE PLACED ON THE FUND. I SHALL ALSO BE YOUR GUIDIANCE AND INSTRUCTOR THROUGHOUT THE DURATION OF THIS TRANSACTION SO AS TO ENSURE A SWIFT AND SURE TRANSFER OF THE FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.”

- ALLAUDDIN MUHAMADAD, AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB)
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO

The message from Mr. Muhamadad made me smile. It was the first time I could remember a ‘spam’ message that used family health concerns as a motivating factor. It constituted a new approach to separating an unwilling victim from their money.

My amazement could not be hidden. This charlatan was bold and brazen!

Another too-good-to-be-true invitation appeared to come from England. In this note, the sender confessed to being under direct scrutiny by his employer:

“Dear Friend, I am Mr. Matt Ridley, Former Chairman Northern Rock. I have a confidential business Proposition for you. On June 6, 2003, Colin Morley, 52, a marketing consultant Made a (Fixed) Deposit, valued at US $20,000,000.00, (twenty Million, Dollars) in my Bank. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his employers, that Colin Morley died from 7 July 2005 London bombings. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless… This sum of US $20,000,000.00 has carefully been moved out of my bank to a security company for safekeeping. No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to British Law, at the expiration of (three) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the British Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you to stand in as the owner of the money I deposited it in a security company in two trunk boxes though the security company does not know the contents of the boxes as I tagged them to be photographic materials for export. I am writing you because I have a big problem with the Bank making me to resign my appointment from the Bank, (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7052828.stm) I cannot operate a foreign account or have an account that is more than $ hundred thousand dollars. Because of the problem and I am still under investigation. I want to present you as the owner of the boxes in the security company so you can be able to claim them with the help of my attorney. This is simple… The money will be moved out for us to share in the ratio of 70% for me and 30% for you.”

- Matt Ridley

When I clicked on the embedded link in his message, an actual news story from the BBC filled my computer screen. It spoke about the real Matt Ridley, Chairman of Northern Rock, having stepped down because of his role in a near-collapse of the financial institution. While I guessed that the actual author of this message was probably another Nigerian resident, their creativity in the scam attempt seemed laudable.

It was another wild cyberspace encounter.

Eventually, these surreal offers faded away, as before. But their entertainment value lingered, along with a sense of how raucous the world outside of our borders remains. We often take the domestic rule of law for granted. Yet in many corners of the world, chaos has maintained its powerful grasp on reality.

After reading the messages, I felt lucky.

It took only a stroke of the ‘delete’ key, and my spamtastic adventure had come to an end!

Comments about Thoughts At Large may be sent to: icewritesforyou@gmail.com
Visit us at: www.thoughtsatlarge.com