“Christmas Cheer, Revised”

c. 2013 Rod Ice

All rights reserved

(12-13)

For a lyricist and professional writer, the holiday season offers a time to tap inspiration from traditional themes. In particular, Yuletide carols evoke seasonal cheer.

A few years ago, I composed liner notes for the Davie Allan recording “Fuzz for the Holidays 2.” It was a fantastic opportunity to write while drawing energy both from King Fuzz himself and the seasonal tunes that have become so familiar to everyone.

Regular readers of this column will know that Allan and I have enjoyed a long-distance friendship that has endured since the 90’s.

Beyond such efforts as a critic and scribe in the music realm, it has also been tempting to modernize old Xmas chestnuts with a bit of modern flair. So recently, during an evening spent doing pre-holiday household chores, I found time to reflect on these familiar hymns and recreate some of them, anew.

The results were unpredictable, like an essay from MAD Magazine in yonder days:

JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the snow

In a bailout Chevrolet

Stimulus is gone

Don’t need it, anyway

Wintertime is here

I shovel snow for cash

Then work at Walmart, stocking shelves

And taking out the trash

(Oh) Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle through the night

The only things that keep me sane

Are wings and Miller Lite

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle down the street

Can’t afford to move away

From freezing rain and sleet

Though one might have expected an inclination toward traditional emotions of joy and peace, it seemed just as easy to lean the toward real-world challenges faced by blue-collar families. Again, a vibe of William Maxwell Gaines, publisher of E.C. Comics, and later MAD, took hold:

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU

Water boiling on a propane fire

Satellite dish is on the blink

Stockings hung on the entertainment center with care

Santa is coming here, I think

Neighbor has a new Korean car

Can’t afford much without a check

Walking around with holes in my shoes

Merry Christmas, to you

Eventually, the holiday spirit took hold and I was truly inspired to write. Words began to flow with the energy of bygone days spent celebrating the season. I opened my mind and the prose was plentiful. Rhyme and rhythm filled my head:

RUDOLPH THE REDNECK REINDEER

Rudolph, the redneck reindeer

Got around with four-wheel drive

He had a trusty GPS

Just to help him in the night

All of the other reindeer

Use to laugh and call him names

They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph

Join their Xbox real-time games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa’s truck went down

He said “With your nose for maps,

you’re way better than Google apps!”

Then how the reindeer loved him

As they shouted with a wail

Rudolph the redneck reindeer

Help us find a Christmas ale!

I couldn’t help remembering a Christmas season from almost thirty years ago. While working at Fisher’s Big Wheel on Water Street in Chardon, I struggled to afford gifts for family and friends. My shopping routine happened on payday, right before Santa was scheduled to arrive. Though my basket of presents was humble, I truly felt the holiday spirit in my heart.

In modern times, my own perspective on the season was colored in hues of realism rather than childhood fantasies. Yet a reason to believe remained:

SILENT NIGHT

Silent night, powerless night

Electricity is out, nothing is bright

In the country nobody cares

They won’t hurry to make our repairs

Sleep in your frosty bedroom

Sleep in your frosty bedroom

Silent night, powerless night

Eating supper by candlelight

Charge my cellphone in the car

Generator at the neighborhood bar

Sleep in a jacket and hat

Sleep in a jacket and hat

Silent Night, powerless night

Network fail, with gifts on sale

Can’t do Amazon with no wi-fi

Tonight I feel like an unlucky guy

Thank goodness for the flashlight app

Thank goodness for the flashlight app

Another powerful Christmas memory finished my day of rewriting Christmas carols. It was of a year when I filled the bed of my F-150 pickup truck with gifts for the family. Very different from today’s new-age drive through the paradigm of ‘big brother’ keeping watch:

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

He’s making a file

Of the Excel kind

He’s going to keep track

Of who stepped out of line

NSA Claus is watching your town

He’s backing up

A big data file

To make sure that

He can prove it on trial

NSA Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re sleeping

He knows what sites you surf

He’ll follow every move you make

Till you’re stretched out in the turf

You better not pout

You better not cry

Your big red brother has

bionic eyes

Santa Claus is coming to town

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