Thursday, April 21, 2011

“Capitol Call: Part Two”

c. 2011 Rod Ice
All rights reserved

My friend Ezekiel Byler-Gregg is Editor In Chief of the local Burton Daily Bugle newspaper.

Zeke has always possessed a very individualistic outlook, owing in part to his Mennonite and Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. But recently, his opinions have taken even more of a Libertarian turn. After encountering financial difficulties during the near collapse of our economy in 2008, he became a vocal advocate of citizen protest. Despite the objections of friends like myself, he attempted to contact our nation’s highest leader about the issue of taxation, a few weeks ago. The result was amusing if not genuinely successful.

With the stunning revelation that General Electric had paid no federal taxes in 2010, he again tried to call President Obama, directly. What follows here is a transcript of his outrage-by-phone:

OPERATOR – “Hello! This is the White House switchboard. How may I direct your call today?”

EZEKIEL – “Hello, miss. My name is Ezekiel Byler-Gregg. I am editor of the Burton Daily Bugle.”

OPERATOR – “Bugle…?”

EZEKIEL – “It is a newspaper, miss.”

OPERATOR – “Nobody reads those anymore. Except for my grandparents.”

EZEKIEL – “Ahem! I am calling about the fact that General Electric paid no federal taxes for 2010.”

OPERATOR – “I don’t understand.”

EZEKIEL – “I want to speak with your boss about this glaring oversight.”

OPERATOR – “My boss?”

EZEKIEL – “President Obama.”


EZEKIEL – “You’ve never heard of him?”

OPERATOR - “Don’t be silly. Of course I know who he is.”

EZEKIEL – “Then I would like to speak with him.”

OPERATOR – “That isn’t possible.”

EZEKIEL – “It isn’t??”


EZEKIEL – “I am a voter, miss. That means your boss was elected by me.”

OPERATOR – “Was there a point to your call, Mr. Gregg?”

EZEKIEL – “Byler-Gregg! Byler-Gregg!”

OPERATOR – “You are shouting, sir.”

EZEKIEL – “Look, the New York Times reported that GE made 14.2 billion dollars last year. But they paid no US federal income tax. That seems amazing when an average person like myself is facing wage garnishment and property seizure to satisfy the IRS.”

OPERATOR – “Is this Glenn Beck?”

EZEKIEL – “My name is Ezekiel Byler-Gregg!”

OPERATOR – “As you wish, sir. This is the White House, not H & R Block.”

EZEKIEL – “GE owns the NBC television network. Its cable affiliate MSNBC is well known for spreading bias and propaganda favorable to the administration.”

OPERATOR – “I don’t watch the news, sir. I just answer telephones.”

EZEKIEL - “GE’s CEO Jeffrey Immelt was appointed in 2009 to the President's Economic Recovery Advisory Board. Don’t you find it interesting that the company would pay no federal income taxes with such insider connections?”

OPERATOR - “I can’t speculate on news stories, sir.”

EZEKIEL – “What’s next? Rachel Maddow running the Federal Communications Commission?”

OPERATOR – “Is this live on the radio? I get it. You must be Michael Savage, right? My uncle in Florida listens to your show. I think he is going senile.”

“EZEKIEL – “Miss, I am a newspaper editor from Ohio.”

OPERATOR – “Of course you are, Dr. Savage…”

EZEKIEL – “Byler-Gregg!!!”

OPERATOR – “Thanks for your call. Have a nice day…”

EZEKIEL – “Wait! Don’t hang up the phone!”

OPERATOR – “Was there something else you wanted, sir?”

EZEKIEL – “I wanted to speak with President Obama!”

OPERATOR – “I’m sorry. That isn’t possible.”

EZEKIEL – “Your boss told us we would have hope and change if we voted for him. Well, it looks like the only change is that instead of being buried in bull dung, we are getting showered with chicken poop!”

OPERATOR – “Sir, you need to calm down.”

EZEKIEL – “It’s hard to be quiet when I feel like my government is trying to plow me under like a bad crop of corn.”

OPERATOR – “Perhaps you should call the Department of Agriculture. I have their number if you’d like it…”

EZEKIEL – “Never mind that! I want to talk to your boss!”

OPERATOR – “That isn’t going to happen.”

EZEKIEL – “Read the U. S. Constitution. He is a servant of the people. Well, I am one of those people! And I am paying thousands in back taxes while GE ain’t coughing up a dime!”

OPERATOR – “I don’t read old documents, sir. I just answer telephones.”

EZEKIEL – “I think Alex Jones is right. This is all just a distraction from the fact that bankers and secret societies actually control the world.”

OPERATOR – “What??”

EZEKIEL – “Just a bit of inside humor there. Pay no attention.”

OPERATOR – “You are making no sense…”

EZEKIEL – “I apologize. This was just a big waste of time.”

OPERATOR – “Not at all. The White House appreciates your call…”

EZEKIEL – “I give up. Tell President Obama my check is in the mail.”

OPERATOR – “Very good, sir. Have a nice day!”

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